Day 4

So I missed posting something yesterday...not because I didn't want to say anything, I was gone all day at the Families Supporting Adoption Southwest Conference and it was a rather emotionally draining day!  By the time I got home I was so drained I couldn't gather my thoughts!

I spoke on the birthmother panel and I got really emotional during it.  It seems to me that every time I speak about my adoption journey I remember more and more and am feeling emotions more intense.  I am slowly realizing that I haven't dealt with the grief of placing Michael or Isabella for adoption.  I have never dealt with the loss of Michael, I have said before I have never considered myself a birthmom before Isabella.  But I was a birthmom before!  With Michael!

I don't know if the reason I am just now going through the grief process is because I wasn't ready for it, or because I didn't have the support I do now, or if I didn't truly understand the process or that it was ok to feel the ways I did.  My brain shut down and I didn't allow myself to feel the emotions I am feeling now.

I am grateful for this journey, I know it has made me stronger.  I am realizing that it is an honor being a birthmother and it's nothing to be ashamed of, rather it is something to be proud of!  I am one of the less than 1% who chooses to carry my baby full term and give them a better life.  I put the needs of my kids first before my own!  I am among an elite group of women!  And I am proud!