Challenge day 3

I went to the FSA dinner tonight!  And it was wonderful!  I love being around all of the people who have had adoption affect them and touched their lives in some way!  Whether it be a birthmother, a adoptive couple, or birth grandparents!  It is such a humbling experience to be around all these people.

As I was thinking about it while driving home tonight, I couldn't help but think of the love that adoptive couples have for their children.  It is similar to Christ's love for us...unconditional and never ending.  What a wonderful thing these people do!  They love these babies so much!  Seeing Isabella grow up in her home has been a privillege for me!  She has so much love and support...more then I could have ever given her!  Every time I see her my soul is comforted in knowing what I did was the right thing!

Tomorrow I will be telling my adoption journey to a bunch of people...not sure how many people...could be 50 could be 100 could be more...who knows...I hope I am able to get across how much love and respect I have for each and everyone of them!  I have so much respect for the whole adoption process.  As I have stated before...adoption is not an event...it is not something that just happens and goes away like Christmas...it is a process!  A never ending process!  And I am grateful for my never ending process!  I feel I am a better person for knowing my loving couple who took our Belle in and have loved not only her unconditionally, but me as well!

I hope they know how much I love them.  How many times I count my blessings they are in my life.  I am honored they are Belle's parents.  I know without a shadow of a doubt we knew each other in the preexistence...I believe we were very close friends and this was our plan!

It is strange in a way...hard to put into words...but when I first laid eyes upon them (Shane and Jennifer) I had this instant feeling as though I had known them my entire life!  It is the strangest feeling!  A wonderful feeling, but strange none the less!

I am excited about tomorrow!  So excited I feel like throwing up half the time!  :)  But, I feel as though it will be ok...I will let you know how it goes!  Until then...

Relief!!!

I got my test results back today!!!!  And I just have some dense breast tissue!  What a relief!  I will have to watch it...but other then that I am fine!  Yay!!!  So relieved it's unbelievable!  I think I will be able to sleep tonight!  I haven't slept very well at all for almost 2 weeks now!  I am feeling a lot of gratitude!  I had a lot of people praying for me and their prayers and my prayers were heard!

Day 2 of Challenge

I want to express how grateful I am to my parents...my eternal family!  They have been so good to me in my pursuit in trying to find my own birthmother.  They have loved me unconditionally like a parent should.  They have never turned their backs on me...I love them for all eternity!  Words cannot express how I feel about my parents!  I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to be with them!

I have put them through a lot, and when I say a lot I do mean a lot!  I don't know if they truly know how much I love them and appreciate every thing they have done for me!  But I do!  I would be lost without them!  They are my rock...my anchor.  I am grateful my birthmother had the strength to go through and place me with my family!  I am truly blessed and am full of gratitude!

National Adoption Month!!

So it's November and it's National Adoption Month!  Yay!  I am super excited...more then I was last year!  So, I have decided to take the challenge and blog about something about adoption just about every day!  I cannot promise it will be every day but I am going to try!  It's so hard to know where to begin!!!  Hhhhhmmmmmm...I am racking my brain trying to think of a good place...

I think I should start with what I have learned over the last year about adoption...which has helped me go through the grieving process in a healthy way.  1st I learned that I did NOT give my baby up for adoption...I PLACED her for adoption.  I did Not give her away like a toy...I didn't throw her away like a piece of trash...I did not forget about her either!  Never will!  She is a part of me no matter what she chooses.

I have also learned that adoption is NOT an event...it is a process!  And a process I will never stop going through.  A process that will always be a big part of me.  It is something that I don't have to 'get over', it is something I don't have to keep quiet about.  I am proud to be a birthmom!  And nothing can change how I feel about that!  I don't care what people think about me!  No one can judge me or my choices!

So mad I could scream!!!

I went in for my test today...and after waiting there for an hour...they tell me the diagnostic person is not there to read the sonogram!  Why could they not tell me that when I first got there?!  Why did they let me sit there for an hour waiting...almost having a heartattack!!  I don't understand this at all!  Then they tell me that the first available appointment is in the 2nd week of November!  Can you believe that?!?!?!?!  I told them no, I am not waiting that long to get in.  So they looked for another available appointment and they found one for tomorrow at 11:45am at another place!  I almost had a break down there!  First they let me sit there for that long and then they tell me I wasn't going to be seen, and then they tell me I couldn't get in for another 2 weeks!  I wanted to cry!  So now I have another 24 hours before I will know anything!
Another 24 hours!!!!!!!!  I am going to go crazy!  I have already had to wait 2 weeks!  Seriously I think God is trying to teach me a lesson!  I don't know what they may be...but when I find out I will let you know!  So now I have 24 hours to think about getting this done...and then however long it takes to get the results.  I am so stressed out it is maddening!    How am I supposed to concentrate on anything?  I am supposed to be in class right now...but instead I am sitting in the library writing on here.  I know I should be in class, but I am in no mood to be around anyone, or try and act like everything is ok.  I don't know how people do this!  Go through stuff like this and put up a front...a brave front.
I feel like my heart is going to pop out of my chest! 

I feel bad, because last night my dad asked me if I wanted a blessing and I said no.  I told him whether I get a blessing or not it didn't matter it wouldn't change the results of the test!  So, I walked away from him.  I am angry...and I don't know how to handle it.  I know it's not Heavenly Father's fault...and I shouldn't be angry with Him at all.  I am sure there is a reason I am going through this...although I am not sure what it is right now.  So many unanswered questions right now...so many things unknown to me...I don't like this.  I feel like I am totally out of control! 

About 14 hours!

14 more hours before I go in for my test!  I am nervous...and at the same time I am so mentally exhausted that I have no strong emotion about this.  I don't know.  Why I feel so dead on the inside.  But, I do.  I can't help the way I feel.  All I want to do is sleep!  I don't want to face this.  Because no matter what this is the scariest thing I have ever gone through.  I never want to go through this again!  I pray I am strong enough to get through this.  My thoughts are jumbled and my emotions feel numb.  I feel like I don't make sense to myself...and probably to no one else.