About a year ago

As I was looking through my journal that I carry with me almost everywhere I go...I notices almost a year ago I was writing in there about the temple.  And since there is a temple being built right now, I thought it was ironic...because the ground has just been broken for the building to start.
This is what I wrote.
November 16, 2010
"There are so many things that are floating around in my head.  I feel a but scatter brained. I went to Stake Conference this last weekend, and the spirit touched my heart and I feel like it sparked my desire to change a lot of my life.  I know it's going to be hard, because it's easier said than done.  But I want to try.  I want to be a better mother, a better friend, a better person.  I hate the way I have been feeling the last month or so.  I don't want to feel angry or sad anymore.  I don't want to feel dispair in my life.  I want to only see the positive side of things.  What I want more than anything is to stop thinking about my past.
They broke the ground for the temple that they are building here in Gilbert.  It is exciting to be able to be apart of another temple being built.  Going to the open house and maybe even being able to work at the open house!  Like I did when I was 14 for the San Diego temple.  What a wonderful experience that was.  To work the open house several times, getting lost in the temple with my best friend at the time.  And being able to sit in the celestial room with the prophet Gordon B. Hinkley was there.  What a wonderful experience and an honor to have been able to be apart of that.  How I wish I had stayed (or gotten back on) the straight and narrow path.  Now that I am 32 it is much harder to get back on that path.  I know that it is possible, but it will be so hard.  But, I feel it is time, past the time I should do it, and do ir for good.  Not to do it half way, but all the way this time.  Maybe get myself to where I am able to go to the temple for myself."
It's crazy that this year I have come full circle...yet again.  A year later I am at the same place wanting to get my life on track so I will be able to get to the temple.  It's not like I am doing terrible things.  I am just not going to church as much as I should be, I am not listening to the best music, and my foul mouth is terrible! 
So I feel until I get these things under control I won't be ready.  I don't know, hopefully I will be able to write on here next November being able to say I made it!  I made it to the temple!  We will see...we will see...

Lost

I cannot help but feel somewhat lost right now.  I have no words right now...I do not understand why this has happened.  It's not even clear to me how this happened...or why I am so upset about this.
So last night I got an alert on my phone from Facebook telling me I had a new friend request...from my sister's ex-husband who just got out of prison on October 1, 2011.  I almost crapped myself.  I call my sister to tell her who just requested me...she acted like it was so yesterdays news!  I was perplexed as to her complete and utter blase attitude about this.  I thought surely she would be just as excitable and irritated as I was...that was not happening!
She tells me (like I didn't already know or do this) to deny him and ignore him!  DUH!  Of course I did.  I denied him, an hour later or so he requested me again!  Now I am getting mad...but no one around here seems to have the same reaction I am.  Am I just crazy for reacting and feeling the way I do?
I wrote him asking him what he wants...he hasn't replied, so I am hoping he got the message...I am not dumb, I am not just going to accept him and act like nothing happened.  He's an idiot!
But, after going to church today it all makes sense as to why she wasn't as excitable as I was to the news that her ex-husband requested me.  Evidentially she already knew he had a profile...she told other people he had one, but never did she tell me!!!!!  I am so hurt it's not funny.
After all the crap that I went through in talking to the neighbor in trying to help make sure he was deported and all that, this is how she does me?!?!?!?!  I can't help but feel bitter and hurt.  Why am I the last one to know this?  Even my mom knew she thought she found his profile!  Why am I the last one to know??  What did I do?
Because of this I am feeling a bit of a disconnect from the family.  I feel like I don't belong!  I know I am being dramatic, but I can't help it.  This is the way I am feeling.  I can't help it.  I am not even wanting to celebrate the holidays with any of them.  My dad says he will talk to her, but I know he won't.  He never does.  He never gets in the middle of any of this...promises, promises...I am done.
I want to get through school as soon as possible...and get out.

Gosh...

I have missed blogging on here for a few days...not because I didn't want to, but rather I didn't feel I had anything important to say.  But, today I have to say I do have something to say!  I am irritated beyond belief!  I guess you're trying to figure out what I am talking about...what direction this entry is taking.  Well, let me just say it...DATING SUCKS!!!!!

I am starting the process of getting back into the dating scene...and have gotten onto some of the dating sites.  Let me just say that they are not what the commercials make them seem like!  There are a lot of guys out there not looking for a serious relationship...and if they are they want to have sex!  How am I supposed to do this?!  

I was messaging this one guy and I asked him what he thought about religion...he said he rather have sex than talk about that!  UGH!  And then I was messaging another one and he was so pushy it was uncomfortable.  I couldn't get a babysitter aka mom...and I told him tomorrow, and kept on saying just come when the kids are asleep...they don't need to be watched when they are asleep.  That is not how it works in my house!  It is frustrating...but ok.

I am so tired of this and I just started!  I am ready to quit...and just be alone for the rest of my life.  I don't know what to do!  :(  What can I do?!  It makes it hard when I live here with my parents...kinda wish I didn't.  But then again it's a good thing.  I don't know what I mean...and I don't know what the next step is.  When I figure this out I will let you all know!

Wish me luck!!

Day 5

I love this picture...it reminds me of adoption in some way.  The mother elephant not being able to take care of her baby...although her baby was taken from her and she was locked up...it's a little bit different.  But the incentive is still the same...she had to say goodbye to her baby for awhile...the love and tender moment and the tearful goodbye (see you later) is just the same a birthmother would go through. 

Day 4

So I missed posting something yesterday...not because I didn't want to say anything, I was gone all day at the Families Supporting Adoption Southwest Conference and it was a rather emotionally draining day!  By the time I got home I was so drained I couldn't gather my thoughts!

I spoke on the birthmother panel and I got really emotional during it.  It seems to me that every time I speak about my adoption journey I remember more and more and am feeling emotions more intense.  I am slowly realizing that I haven't dealt with the grief of placing Michael or Isabella for adoption.  I have never dealt with the loss of Michael, I have said before I have never considered myself a birthmom before Isabella.  But I was a birthmom before!  With Michael!

I don't know if the reason I am just now going through the grief process is because I wasn't ready for it, or because I didn't have the support I do now, or if I didn't truly understand the process or that it was ok to feel the ways I did.  My brain shut down and I didn't allow myself to feel the emotions I am feeling now.

I am grateful for this journey, I know it has made me stronger.  I am realizing that it is an honor being a birthmother and it's nothing to be ashamed of, rather it is something to be proud of!  I am one of the less than 1% who chooses to carry my baby full term and give them a better life.  I put the needs of my kids first before my own!  I am among an elite group of women!  And I am proud!

Challenge day 3

I went to the FSA dinner tonight!  And it was wonderful!  I love being around all of the people who have had adoption affect them and touched their lives in some way!  Whether it be a birthmother, a adoptive couple, or birth grandparents!  It is such a humbling experience to be around all these people.

As I was thinking about it while driving home tonight, I couldn't help but think of the love that adoptive couples have for their children.  It is similar to Christ's love for us...unconditional and never ending.  What a wonderful thing these people do!  They love these babies so much!  Seeing Isabella grow up in her home has been a privillege for me!  She has so much love and support...more then I could have ever given her!  Every time I see her my soul is comforted in knowing what I did was the right thing!

Tomorrow I will be telling my adoption journey to a bunch of people...not sure how many people...could be 50 could be 100 could be more...who knows...I hope I am able to get across how much love and respect I have for each and everyone of them!  I have so much respect for the whole adoption process.  As I have stated before...adoption is not an event...it is not something that just happens and goes away like Christmas...it is a process!  A never ending process!  And I am grateful for my never ending process!  I feel I am a better person for knowing my loving couple who took our Belle in and have loved not only her unconditionally, but me as well!

I hope they know how much I love them.  How many times I count my blessings they are in my life.  I am honored they are Belle's parents.  I know without a shadow of a doubt we knew each other in the preexistence...I believe we were very close friends and this was our plan!

It is strange in a way...hard to put into words...but when I first laid eyes upon them (Shane and Jennifer) I had this instant feeling as though I had known them my entire life!  It is the strangest feeling!  A wonderful feeling, but strange none the less!

I am excited about tomorrow!  So excited I feel like throwing up half the time!  :)  But, I feel as though it will be ok...I will let you know how it goes!  Until then...

Relief!!!

I got my test results back today!!!!  And I just have some dense breast tissue!  What a relief!  I will have to watch it...but other then that I am fine!  Yay!!!  So relieved it's unbelievable!  I think I will be able to sleep tonight!  I haven't slept very well at all for almost 2 weeks now!  I am feeling a lot of gratitude!  I had a lot of people praying for me and their prayers and my prayers were heard!

Day 2 of Challenge

I want to express how grateful I am to my parents...my eternal family!  They have been so good to me in my pursuit in trying to find my own birthmother.  They have loved me unconditionally like a parent should.  They have never turned their backs on me...I love them for all eternity!  Words cannot express how I feel about my parents!  I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to be with them!

I have put them through a lot, and when I say a lot I do mean a lot!  I don't know if they truly know how much I love them and appreciate every thing they have done for me!  But I do!  I would be lost without them!  They are my rock...my anchor.  I am grateful my birthmother had the strength to go through and place me with my family!  I am truly blessed and am full of gratitude!

National Adoption Month!!

So it's November and it's National Adoption Month!  Yay!  I am super excited...more then I was last year!  So, I have decided to take the challenge and blog about something about adoption just about every day!  I cannot promise it will be every day but I am going to try!  It's so hard to know where to begin!!!  Hhhhhmmmmmm...I am racking my brain trying to think of a good place...

I think I should start with what I have learned over the last year about adoption...which has helped me go through the grieving process in a healthy way.  1st I learned that I did NOT give my baby up for adoption...I PLACED her for adoption.  I did Not give her away like a toy...I didn't throw her away like a piece of trash...I did not forget about her either!  Never will!  She is a part of me no matter what she chooses.

I have also learned that adoption is NOT an event...it is a process!  And a process I will never stop going through.  A process that will always be a big part of me.  It is something that I don't have to 'get over', it is something I don't have to keep quiet about.  I am proud to be a birthmom!  And nothing can change how I feel about that!  I don't care what people think about me!  No one can judge me or my choices!

So mad I could scream!!!

I went in for my test today...and after waiting there for an hour...they tell me the diagnostic person is not there to read the sonogram!  Why could they not tell me that when I first got there?!  Why did they let me sit there for an hour waiting...almost having a heartattack!!  I don't understand this at all!  Then they tell me that the first available appointment is in the 2nd week of November!  Can you believe that?!?!?!?!  I told them no, I am not waiting that long to get in.  So they looked for another available appointment and they found one for tomorrow at 11:45am at another place!  I almost had a break down there!  First they let me sit there for that long and then they tell me I wasn't going to be seen, and then they tell me I couldn't get in for another 2 weeks!  I wanted to cry!  So now I have another 24 hours before I will know anything!
Another 24 hours!!!!!!!!  I am going to go crazy!  I have already had to wait 2 weeks!  Seriously I think God is trying to teach me a lesson!  I don't know what they may be...but when I find out I will let you know!  So now I have 24 hours to think about getting this done...and then however long it takes to get the results.  I am so stressed out it is maddening!    How am I supposed to concentrate on anything?  I am supposed to be in class right now...but instead I am sitting in the library writing on here.  I know I should be in class, but I am in no mood to be around anyone, or try and act like everything is ok.  I don't know how people do this!  Go through stuff like this and put up a front...a brave front.
I feel like my heart is going to pop out of my chest! 

I feel bad, because last night my dad asked me if I wanted a blessing and I said no.  I told him whether I get a blessing or not it didn't matter it wouldn't change the results of the test!  So, I walked away from him.  I am angry...and I don't know how to handle it.  I know it's not Heavenly Father's fault...and I shouldn't be angry with Him at all.  I am sure there is a reason I am going through this...although I am not sure what it is right now.  So many unanswered questions right now...so many things unknown to me...I don't like this.  I feel like I am totally out of control! 

About 14 hours!

14 more hours before I go in for my test!  I am nervous...and at the same time I am so mentally exhausted that I have no strong emotion about this.  I don't know.  Why I feel so dead on the inside.  But, I do.  I can't help the way I feel.  All I want to do is sleep!  I don't want to face this.  Because no matter what this is the scariest thing I have ever gone through.  I never want to go through this again!  I pray I am strong enough to get through this.  My thoughts are jumbled and my emotions feel numb.  I feel like I don't make sense to myself...and probably to no one else.

Marriage...

I read this and wanted to share it with you all!  There is a good point to this story! Married or not… you should read this. Marriage. “When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

Golden Girls!

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant.

And if you through a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

Love love love the golden girls!!!  The song speaks to me in so many ways!  The Golden Girls have gotten me through a lot of sad times...whenever I am sad I can watch them and feel a little better!  They are my therapy...I will always love them!  I will watch them till the day I die!  

Planking...

So back in August Michael came home from band camp and was all hyped up about planking!  I was baffled at what planking was!  I had heard of walk the plank...like from pirate movies...but nothing else!  So I asked him to show me what he was talking about!  He showed me alright!  Here's a look at what he meant!

I cannot believe what body strength he has to do this!  It is crazy!  But this is what planking looks like!  Just thought you all should know!  :)

Gilbert, AZ Temple!

I am so excited about the building of the Gilbert, Arizona Temple!  I have been apart of an open house and dedication of the San Diego temple back in '92, but we did not live close enough to see the progress day by day!  It is so exciting to see it being built!  I cannot wait to see it finished!  I am so excited to be apart of this and be able to walk through the temple!

This is the first picture I took of it:

And here's the second:

More progress!

More!!!!!

This one below was just taken today on my way home from school!

 I will definitely be posting more pictures as the temple makes progress!  I am excited about this more than anyone knows!

Boogers!

I thought I should write about this not only because it is funny...but also an important event.  My son who was born with kidney reflux has had 2 previous surgeries.  He had to get another one done to widen his urethra because it was too small.

Well, as most of you know before one goes in for surgery you have to fast.  While we were driving to Phoenix Children's Hospital I turned around to see how he was doing.  He was picking his nose and eating his boogers!!!!  Eeeewwww!!!!!  I told him stop eating your boogers!  He looked me straight in the eye and as serious as he could be said, "Nope!  I am hungry!  You didn't let me eat, and I am hungry so I am going to eat my boogers!"  Leave it to my son to find the loop hole catch 22!  LOL!

While we were driving he kept asking if Grandpa would take him to Taco Bell after the surgery!  Grandpa thought he would forget about Taco Bell after his surgery.  My baby boy was so brave through the whole thing!  He was calm and wasn't bouncing off the walls...which is a change.

Jessie while he waited for the nurse to come get him...

Thank goodness for grandpa!  He sure does love him!!!!

Over all the surgery went well...I didn't have to wait too long...I think the hardest part about your child having to have surgery is when the nurse comes to take him away.  Even though you are pretty confident in the doctors and their ability...sometimes in your heart you know the possibilities and can't help but have the thought cross your mind...this could be the last time I see my baby!  :(  But that hasn't happened and it probably never will!  

When he woke up and I was allowed to see him he was a little grouchy (what a shocker!) he was asked if he wanted a popsicle and he said no...only a chocolate one!  And then he said he would take the cherry one.  And asked for another one, and asked for chocolate again, they said they didn't have any chocolate popsicles but they did have chocolate milk.  He told them he wanted both.  LOL!  So they gave it to him!  

Can we say SPOILED brat!!!!!  But, he DID NOT forget about Taco Bell!!!  He said, "Grandpa can we go to Taco Bell after we leave!?"  I laughed so hard because grandpa was so sure that he would forget after being put to sleep!  I told him there was no way he was forgetting about a chance to go to Taco Bell his favorite place to eat!  So of course we took him!

During the procedure they numbed him from the waist down, so he couldn't walk.  He kept wanting to.  I told him not to try and walk because he would fall down and get hurt!  He didn't listen or he forgot because he got up from his chair and landed face down on the ground!  He was so upset and I felt so sorry for him!  :(  But, I do admit now it is kinda funny!  A little while later when he got feeling back in one leg he thought he could walk.  He took one step on the un-numb leg and a step with the numb one and fell on his face on the ground!  He then came to the conclusion that his leg was broken and could never use it again!  About an hour later he was running around like nothing happened!

I was worried about the pain and discomfort that would come from this surgery...I was worried that he would not want to go potty because it would hurt...and he would be in a  lot of pain.  But, I was wrong!  I like it when I am wrong!  He didn't need one dose of the pain medicine.  I only gave him 2 doses of Motrin.  He is my trooper!  When he is in real pain, he holds it in and doesn't cry.  I love him so much.  I am praying that this will be the last surgery he will have to have!

Time...lagging!

It is only Tuesday!!!!!  I have to wait till next Monday to get my sonogram!  Can the days go by any more slower!  All I can do is sit here and think about what the results will be!  It is hard to not think of the worse case scenario!  But, I am trying to stay positive...and think that this is nothing.  Another part of me is thinking it is going to be bad.  It's hard to stay calm sometimes...I let my imagination get the best of me...I let fear grip my heart.  Why can't time just hurry up and Monday come fast?  Well...not just Monday, but the 48 hours after that till I get the results!  All I can think about are my kids...they have gone through too much as it is, and then if something happens to me...I cannot even think about that right now.  I don't want to!  This is the most stressful thing I have gone through.  The adoption process was stressful, but this is a different stress...but it surpasses the adoption by a mile.  I don't know!  Oh my goodness...I am stressed out so much!  I can't even concentrate on school or anything!  I am so far behind in some of my classes...I am seriously thinking about dropping my classes and taking a semester off.  I am so burned out...I can't focus!

I know, I know I am being a big baby...I can't help what is going through my head!  Or even what is going through my heart...

The one thing that keeps going through my head is the song, "God be with you till me meet again."  I know dramatic right?!  UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MONDAY JUST COME ALREADY!

Too much time...

I think the numbness is starting to settle in.  Last night and during the day, I was a mess crying on and off all day, zoning out...not paying attention to what I should have been.  There are so many possibilities that are running through my mind I am dizzy!  I have to wait until the 31st of Oct...which is like 9 days away from tonight!  9 days!!!!!  What am I supposed to do for the next 9 days?!?!?  And then I have to wait another 2 or so days to get the results!!!!!!I am going to go crazy!  How does anyone expect me to concentrate on school or anything else I have to do?!?!?!  I am so scared...I am more worried about this then anything else I have ever gone through so far in my life.  I am only 33 years old!  I cannot take bad news!  I have 2 little kids who need me!  They don't have a good father...they don't have a father at all!  It would not be fair to them to have this happen.  Haven't they gone through enough?  It is terrible to have to think about this right now with school going the way it is.  I don't have time for this and I cannot afford to get behind!

Going through this has brought my thoughts to Cindy...what a truly brave, courageous, strong woman!  She went through so much!  So did her kids!  She was a brave woman who met her cancer head on...lived life as normally as possible with a brave face!  She is an inspiration to me.  I wish she was here.  I wonder what she would tell me right now.  I don't know how she did what she did with such a positive attitude.  I am sure her faith in Heavenly Father that this was the way He intended it to be.  I know that is the way I need to think about this.  There is a reason I am going through this.  Maybe He is trying to re-focus me to the direction I need to be in.

I have to say I am not where I want to be spiritually.  I don't know why I keep falling.  Although I have not fallen as far as I have...or as I used to.  I am not drinking, not having pre-marital sex, not doing anything inappropriate, it's more not going to church, not listening to the music I should, starting to wear tank tops again...saying bad words...letting my anger take control of all my emotions.  I have to learn how to let go!

I know if I let go and surround myself with the things I know are right, everything else will fall into place the way it should.

I have lots to think about...and LOTS of time to think about things!  UGH!  I do not like all this time I have on my hands!  :-/

Scared

The other night while talking on the phone I noticed a lump in my right breast.  My mom pushed me to call the doctor to get it checked.  Reluctantly I called.  Today I went to the doctor and she definitely felt something there.  She said I have cystic breasts...whatever that means!  So now I have to wait till Monday October 31st to have a sonogram done to see what is going on.  I am so scared!  I then texted my birthmother to see if there was any family history of breast cancer and she said yes.  This is going to be a long week!  I have nothing but my troubling thoughts to keep me distracted for the next week!  Please let this be a false alarm!!!!!  I cannot handle something like this!

Missin you

My heart is aching right now.  I thought that after 9 years it wouldn't ache so much.  But, it does.  It doesn't ache like this all of the time, just some times.  It feels like it did the day I had my little baby girl 9 years ago.  It some times feels like it did the day I said good-bye to her.  It feels like the time has gone by slow, and other times it feels as though it has gone by fast.  It's a bit of a bipolar feeling.  The whole adoption thing is a bit bipolar.  Mixed feelings all at once...strong feelings coming at you all at once.  One moment you feel one way and the next moment you feel the complete opposite.  Like someone said this whole process is like the happiest sad.  You are so happy that you did something good for your kid, but sad at the same time because you couldn't do it for your kid yourself.  You are happy that you chose a better life for them, but sad because you realize you are not the right choice for your child.

I don't think us birthmothers ever "get over it" as many people think we should do.  We carried our babies under our hearts for 9 months, went through the pain of child birth, held our babies in our arms for the days they were ours, and only ours.  Then the day comes when we place our babies into the arms of their mother and part ways...some part ways for years...others not so long.

I am so grateful for the awesome option of open adoptions!  I think I would have gone crazy not knowing how my sweet angel was doing over the years...or what she looked like...or what kind of personality she has!  What a beautiful gift and privilege it has been to be able to be apart of her life. In the beginning of my adoption journey I did not think I would want it to be as open as it is now, I viewed adoption more from the "old school" view point.

It brings great comfort to my soul knowing that my baby girl knows who I am, what I look like has letters from me telling her how much I love her...she will always know where she can find me.  But even knowing all of that doesn't ease the pain some times.

Some times I close my eyes and I can see it so clearly as if it just happened yesterday.  The feelings of that day and the days that led up to it feel so fresh.  It is true with time the feelings ease and you don't think about that as much...but, they never go away.  They always creep up once and awhile.  It doesn't ever make me regret my choice in placing her, it just makes me human and it means I love her more than my own life and wants.  She will always be in my heart...I will always love her...and that will never change.

Isabella Gwen...forever in my heart!  Love you my sweet baby girl!
Love,
Mama Trisha

I just don't know...

So I know that I shouldn't care about this anymore.  But I do and cannot help it!  Why do I still let him get to me?  Why do I still have feeling for him...and because I do is why I have anger and resentment for him as well.  I was ok with coming to terms that he was going to be absent in the kids lives.  But, I didn't think that he would let his kids go without.  That he would not send them anything for their birthdays or for Christmas or anything.  I always thought...maybe it was wishful thinking...that he would always make sure that their needs were taken care of.  After all he claimed in court how much he loved them and wanted to be able to send them things for holidays and all that...and has he done it...nope!  Well, come to find out that recently he helped his daughter buy a house.  How can he do that and not help his kids over here?!  Don't get me wrong I am happy that he is helping his daughter...she deserves it.  But it is hard for me not to get somewhat jealous about it.  Cause I see my kids getting forgot about...by many people...I don't know.  It just sucks right now.  I have a lot of anger right now and I don't see it going away any time soon.  No, it's not just anger...it's brewing on hatred for him.  I thought I still had feelings of love for him, but this just brought to light what he is more than anything.  And that he lets his wife dictate to him what he can and cannot do...and she hates me and my kids so she won't let him have contact with them.  But, there has to come a point where he stands up for what he wants and steps up and helps take care of his kids.  But I know that will never happen...so I need to just wake up and realize that he will never be the person I need or the kids need him to be.  I am done...I need to stop getting my hopes up!  Stop wishing that he would change and be a father and support his kids both emotionally and financially.  what a joke that it!  It will NEVER happen.

time

I am so frustrated...about a lot of things.  I am frustrated that I feel as though people think that just because it has been a while since you have placed your child for adoption that you cannot know what they are feeling...it's as if you could ever forget that empty feeling in your heart...the stabbing pain that stabs you in your every breath that you take!  The feelings of hate...and jealousy, the feelings of did I really do the right thing...the feeling of hoping the couple keeps up their end of communication.  I don't care if you placed yesterday or 30 years ago...you feel it the same...and when you see another birthmother go through the placement you feel that pain all over again.  There is no cure for the pain one feels after placing their child for adoption...there are ways to help ease the pain.  But no one cure.  It never truly goes away.  Yes there are blessings that come from this incredible experience...but that still doesn't take away the ability to feel as though it were yesterday when you were the one in the spot of placing your child.  It just frustrates me.  whatever...

Defeat

I am feeling very lost and confused right now.  I thought I had everything figured out and I finally had a plan and goals that were obtainable.  However, I am beginning to second guess myself.  I cannot for the life of me grasp the concepts of math!  No matter how hard I try and or what I do, it will not stay in my brain at all!  Why did God give me such a dumb brain?!  I don't understand!  I don't know what I am going to do now with my life.  I cannot get my degree if I cannot get through the math part.  I don't understand how it can be so easy for other people, I am jealous of other people that it makes sense to.  I just want it to make sense to me!  Just once so I can get my degree!  What have I done so wrong to get punished like this?!  This is making me feel incredibly stupid and incapable of doing anything in life.  I feel like a failure! I don't want to give up on school, but I am honestly feeling like if I cannot get through the math why bother going anymore!  I raise my white flag and waive it to surrender!  I don't know what I was thinking!  I am such a dummy head!  Now I am going to wallow in my self-pity.  Because that is how I want to be right now.  I don't want to be bothered...I don't want to be awake.  I would love to be able to get in bed and not have to get out of it again.  

Disappointment...

I live with a constant disappointment that lives within my heart, mind, and everyday life...you are probably wondering what that is...it is the constant disappointment of the father of my children.  I do not know why I gain any hope that he will do the right thing for them...for he never does!!  This always happens every year, every holiday, every birthday!  Why am I constantly surprised and disappointed??  I do not understand him!  Since we have parted ways, and he has moved on with his life in starting a life with someone else, he seems to forget that he has two children over here who need him.  Especially my daughter who remembers him.  She doesn't understand why he doesn't call her or send her anything...I don't understand it either.  And if I don't understand it, how am I supposed to help her understand it!  I get frustrated to where I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I hate him for doing this!  He is over there without a care in the world...
It was my daughters birthday on the 18th, and he did not call and it still surprises me to this day that he doesn't call her.  I don't know why!  I should be used to it and expect it!  But I always hope that the phone rings and it is him calling to wish her a happy birthday!  I cannot help but be sad, disappointed, mad, and frustrated all at the same time!  Will these feelings ever go away!?  I want them to!  I hate this feeling!  It's not fair!  The kids deserve a father, and he is denying them that privilege of knowing him...well I don't know if it is a privilege to know him...but the privilege of having a father!  My little girl wants a father so very bad!  And that is one thing I cannot give her.  I wish it were that simple...like going to the grocery store and picking out a box of cereal!  Oh, how nice that would be!  But, it is much more complicated!  It seems the older I get the less good men there are to choose from!  How is this possible?!  Is the world really going down the toilet so bad that I will be left here on this earth without a soul mate???  
I am getting off subject here!  The point that I am trying to get across in this particular post is I am so very disappointed in him!  When we met I did not fore see him being like this!  I never thought he would ever turn his back on any of his children!!!  He hasn't before, he has like 4 other kids and he has always been there for them both financially and emotionally!  I don't know why he isn't there like that for our two kids!  It seems as though as soon as he met his now wife he changed, he turned his back on our kids totally!  He signed away his rights to them and everything.  He has blamed everything on his wife of course.  He never takes any responsibility for anything that has happened!  
Is it too much to ask that he love our kids the way he should?  I should say is it too much to ask that he loves the kids the way they deserve to be loved?  What did they do so horribly wrong to deserve to be abandoned by him?  It is not their fault that it didn't work out between us...or that things ended as badly as they did!  So why take it out on them???  I just don't understand, and I don't think I ever will!  How does he sleep at night?!  He is supposed to be a man of God!  All into his religion!  How can he be such a hypocrite?!?!?!?!  UGH!  I will never know!!!  I will NEVER Understand!
I am sorry this is a angry post...I needed to let it out!  

A Poem...

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.

I am lost...I am hopeless

It isn't my fault

It takes forever to find a way out

I walk down the same street 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I pretend I don't see it

I fall in again

I can't believe I am in the same place

But, it isn't my fault

It still takes a long time to get out

I walk down the same street 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I see it there

I still fall in...it's a habit

My eyes are open

I know where I am

It is my fault

I get out immediately

I walk dow the same street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I walk around it

I walk down another street.

By: Portia Nelson

This poem is so true in my everyday life!  How many times have I walked 

down the same street and fallen in the same hole...why has it taken me so long 

to figure out to walk around the hole and down another street??  I think if I 

had realized this I would have saved myself a lot of heartache...and 

pain...saved myself from having to make some very painful choices.  I wish on 

all of the stars in the Heavens I could go back and not go through some of the 

painful things I had to go through...because of the road I chose to go down.  

Isn't the saying "if I had known then how it was going to be now, I would have 

made different choices."  I am constantly thinking that in my head...

But, on the positive side I am finally to the point where I am walking around 

the hole and going down a different street!  And that is the part that is so very 

exciting to me!  I love the feelings that I have...I love not having guilt in my 

heart for some choices I make!  Because for once I am making good 

choices...for me and for my kids.  I am wanting to be a good example to my 

children, by stop doing some of the things I used to do.  For example I have 

thrown out all of my tank tops, I do not wear them anymore!  Another 

example is I have stopped going to the stores on Sunday...although it is so 

tempting!!!!  Not to go shopping for clothes, but just to go to the gas station for 

a soda, I love fountain soda!  It is a weakness!  I have also raised my 

standards for the kind of man I want in my life and my children's lives!  There 

are many changes that are happening to me both inside and outside!  The 

changes that are happening inside of me are the most exciting!!!!  

I am loving life!!!!!

I am...

I am a daughter

I am a sister

I am a mother

I am an aunt

I am a niece

I am San Diego, CA

I am Crofton, MD

I am Arizona

I am poor

I am single

I am a student

I am fire

I am stubborn

I am a survivor

I am a hard worker

I am strong

I am dislexia

I am determined

I am loved

I am hurt

I am a birthmother

I am adopted

I am honest

I am angry

I am sad

I am a fighter

I am independent

I am patient

I am creative

I am an artist

I am heart broken

I am complicated

I am hopeful

I am music

I am pain

I am lonely

I am me...just me.

That is all I can be...

Chance

I have been thinking lately that I really need to start pulling in some money of my own...but, working out of the house right now isn't an option because my mom really doesn't want to be tied down like that. I do not blame her. So I had a thought...it's a crazy thought...but it's a thought! I was thinking of getting some kind of web site going and putting some of the things I made on and selling it...well, try selling it! It would be so awesome if this worked out! I really enjoy making things...it would be rewarding! I am scared of putting myself out there like that...but I think I have to do it to prove to myself that I am worth something. Right now I feel like my life is in a rut...I am not completely happy with my life right now. I know something needs to change, I just don't know how to go about getting that change done. I don't know how to go about getting my dream off the ground! That is the frustrating part of this! I have an idea, a passion, but no sense of direction of how to do it! I also have been wanting to get more involved with Blessings in a Basket, but the frustration is I am not sure how I can. Right there I so do not feel like I have anything to contribute! UGH! I want to so bad. I have to start thinking. I love taking pictures, but that would be something I would have to go to school for to be really good and to know what I am doing. And Justina has already started the process of doing that, and I cannot copy her! LOL! So, I am at square one...not knowing what to do!!!! I wish there was something I could do and think of! Maybe someday I will think of something! I don't know I have a million and one things running through my head and I don't know if I am coming across very clear and for that I apologize!

Feelings...

As I sit here on this windy gloomy day I can't help but feel sad and blue. My thoughts run away to 9 years ago, when I was still pregnant with my Isabella when she was still all mine...100% mine and no one else's. I hate the fact that it has been 9 years since I have seen her beautiful face! I hate the fact that I don't know what her voice sounds like. I hate the fact that it has been 9 years since I have kissed her sweet face and held her in my arms close to my heart. For 9 months I carried her under my heart, and now I carry her in my thoughts. I wear a ring with her birthstone on it to keep her close to me and in my daily life in some way. I miss her so much, it is hard for me to not miss her. I thought as the years went by it would get easier...but it doesn't. The hole in my heart is still there...the longing to see her is there more than ever...the ache to hold her in my arms is still there more than ever. I hate this! I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy for her and not feel a little envious that I am not apart of her life. I feel like a stranger looking in from the outside, almost as if I am intruding. I don't know if other birthmothers feels like that, but that is how I feel. I want the best for her, but at the same time I want to be selfish and see her. But I don't think that would be best for her. I cannot help but be jealous of the way adoption is now. How open it is...how the families on both sides are so open and loving. I hate the way I feel! Does this make me a bad person? I do not know the answers to these questions that linger in my mind constantly. I don't feel like I am totally here in the present for my children, and I know that it's not fair to them. Does that mean I love her more than I love my kids? I don't know...I just don't know. These thoughts damn these thoughts that plague my mind!

It's hard to believe!

I cannot believe that it has been almost 9 years since I have seen my precious baby girl! The time has gone by surprisingly fast...but slow at the same time. I often worry about if she is going to want to meet me. Or what she is going to think about me. Will she be proud of me? Or wills he be ashamed of me and the choices that I have made since placing her for adoption? Will she forgive me? Will she understand? I have all of these questions that run through my head all of the time, among many other questions as well. I know I worry too much, but I cannot help it! Will she think I did not want her, and her father wanted her because her fought the adoption? I hope that she will not want to look for him, for fear of the ugly tint he and his mother will put on the whole situation. I have such panic when I think about that possiblities! I know that I need to put all of my trust and faith in my Heavenly Father that things will turn out the way they are supposed to, and things will go smoothly. But, oh how I worry! I think that's what I do best! Worry and wonder...too much thinking is not always a good thing. Especially when you have a wild imagination like I do...and think of the worse case possible! What will I do if she wants to find him?? My stomach hurts just thinking about it.

I have to say that throughout the almost 9 years that we have all been communicating that have been wonderful! Sending me lots of pictures sending me things that she made, and letters that she herself wrote. I get so happy when I get stuff like that in the mail! Especially when I am least expecting it! I got this for Christmas this year!!! I was so excited to have received this because I wasn't expecting anything!

And with this letter too!!!!

I cannot believe that she is going to be 9 years old in a few weeks!!!! Oh-how I miss her! But she has made me strong in so many ways! I am so grateful to her! I love her so much. I hope she can feel my love for her across the many miles that separate us!

Well...Goodnight to all of you who take the time to read this! May God bless you...Goodnight!