Too much time...

I think the numbness is starting to settle in.  Last night and during the day, I was a mess crying on and off all day, zoning out...not paying attention to what I should have been.  There are so many possibilities that are running through my mind I am dizzy!  I have to wait until the 31st of Oct...which is like 9 days away from tonight!  9 days!!!!!  What am I supposed to do for the next 9 days?!?!?  And then I have to wait another 2 or so days to get the results!!!!!!I am going to go crazy!  How does anyone expect me to concentrate on school or anything else I have to do?!?!?!  I am so scared...I am more worried about this then anything else I have ever gone through so far in my life.  I am only 33 years old!  I cannot take bad news!  I have 2 little kids who need me!  They don't have a good father...they don't have a father at all!  It would not be fair to them to have this happen.  Haven't they gone through enough?  It is terrible to have to think about this right now with school going the way it is.  I don't have time for this and I cannot afford to get behind!

Going through this has brought my thoughts to Cindy...what a truly brave, courageous, strong woman!  She went through so much!  So did her kids!  She was a brave woman who met her cancer head on...lived life as normally as possible with a brave face!  She is an inspiration to me.  I wish she was here.  I wonder what she would tell me right now.  I don't know how she did what she did with such a positive attitude.  I am sure her faith in Heavenly Father that this was the way He intended it to be.  I know that is the way I need to think about this.  There is a reason I am going through this.  Maybe He is trying to re-focus me to the direction I need to be in.

I have to say I am not where I want to be spiritually.  I don't know why I keep falling.  Although I have not fallen as far as I have...or as I used to.  I am not drinking, not having pre-marital sex, not doing anything inappropriate, it's more not going to church, not listening to the music I should, starting to wear tank tops again...saying bad words...letting my anger take control of all my emotions.  I have to learn how to let go!

I know if I let go and surround myself with the things I know are right, everything else will fall into place the way it should.

I have lots to think about...and LOTS of time to think about things!  UGH!  I do not like all this time I have on my hands!  :-/