Gosh...

I have missed blogging on here for a few days...not because I didn't want to, but rather I didn't feel I had anything important to say.  But, today I have to say I do have something to say!  I am irritated beyond belief!  I guess you're trying to figure out what I am talking about...what direction this entry is taking.  Well, let me just say it...DATING SUCKS!!!!!

I am starting the process of getting back into the dating scene...and have gotten onto some of the dating sites.  Let me just say that they are not what the commercials make them seem like!  There are a lot of guys out there not looking for a serious relationship...and if they are they want to have sex!  How am I supposed to do this?!  

I was messaging this one guy and I asked him what he thought about religion...he said he rather have sex than talk about that!  UGH!  And then I was messaging another one and he was so pushy it was uncomfortable.  I couldn't get a babysitter aka mom...and I told him tomorrow, and kept on saying just come when the kids are asleep...they don't need to be watched when they are asleep.  That is not how it works in my house!  It is frustrating...but ok.

I am so tired of this and I just started!  I am ready to quit...and just be alone for the rest of my life.  I don't know what to do!  :(  What can I do?!  It makes it hard when I live here with my parents...kinda wish I didn't.  But then again it's a good thing.  I don't know what I mean...and I don't know what the next step is.  When I figure this out I will let you all know!

Wish me luck!!

Day 5

I love this picture...it reminds me of adoption in some way.  The mother elephant not being able to take care of her baby...although her baby was taken from her and she was locked up...it's a little bit different.  But the incentive is still the same...she had to say goodbye to her baby for awhile...the love and tender moment and the tearful goodbye (see you later) is just the same a birthmother would go through. 

Day 4

So I missed posting something yesterday...not because I didn't want to say anything, I was gone all day at the Families Supporting Adoption Southwest Conference and it was a rather emotionally draining day!  By the time I got home I was so drained I couldn't gather my thoughts!

I spoke on the birthmother panel and I got really emotional during it.  It seems to me that every time I speak about my adoption journey I remember more and more and am feeling emotions more intense.  I am slowly realizing that I haven't dealt with the grief of placing Michael or Isabella for adoption.  I have never dealt with the loss of Michael, I have said before I have never considered myself a birthmom before Isabella.  But I was a birthmom before!  With Michael!

I don't know if the reason I am just now going through the grief process is because I wasn't ready for it, or because I didn't have the support I do now, or if I didn't truly understand the process or that it was ok to feel the ways I did.  My brain shut down and I didn't allow myself to feel the emotions I am feeling now.

I am grateful for this journey, I know it has made me stronger.  I am realizing that it is an honor being a birthmother and it's nothing to be ashamed of, rather it is something to be proud of!  I am one of the less than 1% who chooses to carry my baby full term and give them a better life.  I put the needs of my kids first before my own!  I am among an elite group of women!  And I am proud!