no matter what

People think that it's so easy to live with depression or some other mental disorder...well, let me be the first to tell you IT'S NOT!!!!  Every day it's a battle.  Will I wake up in a good mood or in a bad mood...will I stay in bed all day long or will I get up and do something productive...when I say productive I mean get up and take a shower and doing everyday stuff.  For the people who suffer from it it's always a constant battle to keep your attitude in check, not to hurt anyone's feelings, not to do anything stupid that will hurt the one's that love you.  It's always a raging war that goes on inside your head, and it's a coin toss as to which side is going to win.  It's a scary disease and I wouldn't wish this on my own worst enemy.  I don't know why this exists...sometimes I get angry at God for creating me this way.  I feel like I did something wrong to have been born like this.  I know that sounds crazy, but these are some of the thoughts that go through my head at a constant rate.  Sometimes my mind spins round and round at a 100 mph not able to think or focus at one thing at a time...not able to see what is going on around me.  It's like when you're on those tire swings and you spin yourself round and round till you are so dizzy you can't stand up straight or think straight...that's what it feels like to me.  I hate the way I feel majority of the time.  I want this to go away and I don't know how to make it or help it go away.  It's a constant plague of despair and feelings of hopelessness and the feelings of never being able to do anything right.  It's a dark feeling.  I don't know what to do with myself, but sit here and wonder about my next step...and what it's going to be.  When people look at me from the outside they see one who can crack jokes and hold a conversation, but what they don't know is that I am cringing on the inside and want to curl up in an isolated place where no one can hear or see me.  I don't want people to see the real me.  I have gone so long pushing people away from the ugly side of me, I don't know how to let anyone get close to me.  What people know about me is what I want them to know and that's just the outer shell of me.  I don't think anyone will ever penetrate that shell again after what's happened to me.  I will never let anyone get that close to me while my defenses are down.  I will always have my guard up no matter what.

Can't do it anymore

My head is spinning round and round with all the many possibilities of what my life may hand me...I feel like I am always coming in second place.  I am never going to be first...just a person someone or anyone for that matter feels like they can walk all over like a door matt.  I feel as though I am slipping again...and that scares the hell out of me.  I know there are things that I can do to get myself out of it...but I do not have the desire to do them.  And that is what it comes down to most of all, desire!  I know that I am letting Satan win and take me under.  I feel as if I have no more fight left inside of me...no matter how I pray I do not feel anything.  I don't know what I am doing wrong.  I don't know how much more I can take of this.  I do not feel anything so I have stopped praying.  I feel like I have nothing to say to begin with, so why should I pray.  And if I do pray it will be about the same thing, and how boring for Him to hear about.  I know I am the one that is closing the door, I know how this works, I am not a dummy.  Maybe when the time is right I will come back...this illness that I have maybe be hindering the feelings I could be feeling when I pray or ponder or search the holy scriptures.  I don't know why, or what is going on with me.  I know I am sick and tired of feeling like this...sometimes I wish I could sleep forever.  Sometimes I wish I could wake up and be completely normal.  I wish for so many things.  I wonder why I was born the way I was...I am angry about it.  I am angry about what happened to me, I am angry about having PTSD, because I don't know how to deal with all of this.  I don't know if I want to.  I wish I could crawl under a rock and never come out of it...maybe wait for it to pass and go away.  I am over this, these feelings, these appointments, these sleepless nights...I am just so tired...I want peace to come into my soul, so I can become content with my life.  I cannot change anything and I need to accept that.  It's hard to grasp that concept, because right now it seems impossible that will ever happen.  I am tired...I am going to sleep...