time

I am so frustrated...about a lot of things.  I am frustrated that I feel as though people think that just because it has been a while since you have placed your child for adoption that you cannot know what they are feeling...it's as if you could ever forget that empty feeling in your heart...the stabbing pain that stabs you in your every breath that you take!  The feelings of hate...and jealousy, the feelings of did I really do the right thing...the feeling of hoping the couple keeps up their end of communication.  I don't care if you placed yesterday or 30 years ago...you feel it the same...and when you see another birthmother go through the placement you feel that pain all over again.  There is no cure for the pain one feels after placing their child for adoption...there are ways to help ease the pain.  But no one cure.  It never truly goes away.  Yes there are blessings that come from this incredible experience...but that still doesn't take away the ability to feel as though it were yesterday when you were the one in the spot of placing your child.  It just frustrates me.  whatever...

Defeat

I am feeling very lost and confused right now.  I thought I had everything figured out and I finally had a plan and goals that were obtainable.  However, I am beginning to second guess myself.  I cannot for the life of me grasp the concepts of math!  No matter how hard I try and or what I do, it will not stay in my brain at all!  Why did God give me such a dumb brain?!  I don't understand!  I don't know what I am going to do now with my life.  I cannot get my degree if I cannot get through the math part.  I don't understand how it can be so easy for other people, I am jealous of other people that it makes sense to.  I just want it to make sense to me!  Just once so I can get my degree!  What have I done so wrong to get punished like this?!  This is making me feel incredibly stupid and incapable of doing anything in life.  I feel like a failure! I don't want to give up on school, but I am honestly feeling like if I cannot get through the math why bother going anymore!  I raise my white flag and waive it to surrender!  I don't know what I was thinking!  I am such a dummy head!  Now I am going to wallow in my self-pity.  Because that is how I want to be right now.  I don't want to be bothered...I don't want to be awake.  I would love to be able to get in bed and not have to get out of it again.