About a year ago

As I was looking through my journal that I carry with me almost everywhere I go...I notices almost a year ago I was writing in there about the temple.  And since there is a temple being built right now, I thought it was ironic...because the ground has just been broken for the building to start.
This is what I wrote.
November 16, 2010
"There are so many things that are floating around in my head.  I feel a but scatter brained. I went to Stake Conference this last weekend, and the spirit touched my heart and I feel like it sparked my desire to change a lot of my life.  I know it's going to be hard, because it's easier said than done.  But I want to try.  I want to be a better mother, a better friend, a better person.  I hate the way I have been feeling the last month or so.  I don't want to feel angry or sad anymore.  I don't want to feel dispair in my life.  I want to only see the positive side of things.  What I want more than anything is to stop thinking about my past.
They broke the ground for the temple that they are building here in Gilbert.  It is exciting to be able to be apart of another temple being built.  Going to the open house and maybe even being able to work at the open house!  Like I did when I was 14 for the San Diego temple.  What a wonderful experience that was.  To work the open house several times, getting lost in the temple with my best friend at the time.  And being able to sit in the celestial room with the prophet Gordon B. Hinkley was there.  What a wonderful experience and an honor to have been able to be apart of that.  How I wish I had stayed (or gotten back on) the straight and narrow path.  Now that I am 32 it is much harder to get back on that path.  I know that it is possible, but it will be so hard.  But, I feel it is time, past the time I should do it, and do ir for good.  Not to do it half way, but all the way this time.  Maybe get myself to where I am able to go to the temple for myself."
It's crazy that this year I have come full circle...yet again.  A year later I am at the same place wanting to get my life on track so I will be able to get to the temple.  It's not like I am doing terrible things.  I am just not going to church as much as I should be, I am not listening to the best music, and my foul mouth is terrible! 
So I feel until I get these things under control I won't be ready.  I don't know, hopefully I will be able to write on here next November being able to say I made it!  I made it to the temple!  We will see...we will see...

Lost

I cannot help but feel somewhat lost right now.  I have no words right now...I do not understand why this has happened.  It's not even clear to me how this happened...or why I am so upset about this.
So last night I got an alert on my phone from Facebook telling me I had a new friend request...from my sister's ex-husband who just got out of prison on October 1, 2011.  I almost crapped myself.  I call my sister to tell her who just requested me...she acted like it was so yesterdays news!  I was perplexed as to her complete and utter blase attitude about this.  I thought surely she would be just as excitable and irritated as I was...that was not happening!
She tells me (like I didn't already know or do this) to deny him and ignore him!  DUH!  Of course I did.  I denied him, an hour later or so he requested me again!  Now I am getting mad...but no one around here seems to have the same reaction I am.  Am I just crazy for reacting and feeling the way I do?
I wrote him asking him what he wants...he hasn't replied, so I am hoping he got the message...I am not dumb, I am not just going to accept him and act like nothing happened.  He's an idiot!
But, after going to church today it all makes sense as to why she wasn't as excitable as I was to the news that her ex-husband requested me.  Evidentially she already knew he had a profile...she told other people he had one, but never did she tell me!!!!!  I am so hurt it's not funny.
After all the crap that I went through in talking to the neighbor in trying to help make sure he was deported and all that, this is how she does me?!?!?!?!  I can't help but feel bitter and hurt.  Why am I the last one to know this?  Even my mom knew she thought she found his profile!  Why am I the last one to know??  What did I do?
Because of this I am feeling a bit of a disconnect from the family.  I feel like I don't belong!  I know I am being dramatic, but I can't help it.  This is the way I am feeling.  I can't help it.  I am not even wanting to celebrate the holidays with any of them.  My dad says he will talk to her, but I know he won't.  He never does.  He never gets in the middle of any of this...promises, promises...I am done.
I want to get through school as soon as possible...and get out.