Broken Hearted

Eyes are opened, but no one is home
Haven't I been through enough?
I cannot take any more that's left to come.

Haven't I paid my dues to the angel of death?

I'm tired of running...
I'm tired of being haunted
I'm tired of crying...
I don't want to be broken hearted.

Feeling broken from all I have endured
Just want to lay down and sleep...
Ah, sleep sounds so nice, I wish I could
For I fear that may be denied.

How much longer does one have to be strong?
As long as one must be strong!
How much more can one endure?
As much as God thinks one can endure!

For every trial has a lesson...
Whether we want to admit it or not there is a lesson to be learned...
While we are here on earth, class is in session...
and our Heavenly Father is our ever so quiet teacher with His arms wide opened.

Come unto Him...He is waiting for you.
He will never for sake you...
He loves you.
He is waiting for you!

He is wanting to mend your heart
When it is broken into tiny million pieces...
He is wanting to scoop up your tears
When it feels like you are going to flood the open seas.

He is waiting to love you unconditionally
When you are feeling unloved and unwanted here.
When the Devil works on you so cunningly...
Drop to your knees and pray for him to not dwell here.

You are stronger than the Devil's temptations, with our Heavenly Father on our side
"With God all things are possible!"
The world is a scary, dark place where we all have survive, I must confide!
But, with God I am stronger! I have him on my side!

Sunday Relief Society Lesson

We had an amazing lesson by an amazing woman who I look up to!  She is a strong woman who has a caring heart, she is funny and sincere and humble.  I consider myself lucky to know her, I hope to know her better over the years to come if I am luck enough.

The lesson was on listening to the spirit and the blessings you will receive by listening to it...she brought up the other side of it...what happens if you don't listen to it what are the consequences if you don't listen to it.  I told the story of when I went into the street when I knew I shouldn't and almost got hit by a car and my sister went and told my dad and I got spanked.  But, there was another story I wanted to tell...But I didn't have enough courage to tell it.  I wish I had.

What is the story you ask...well...it happened back in the summer of 2001 when I was out partying and doing bad things.  I was out for my girl's birthday we went out to the club and everything was going good...I had been talking to this guy for a few weeks...I met him at college...anyway, after we went clubbing for her birthday he wanted to meet up so we all met up.  We all hung out and then he wanted to take me home.  I know I heard the still small spirits voice in my ear telling me to go home, warning me, urging me to go home...almost pleading with me to go home!  But did I listen?  No!  I went...what a mistake that was!  It was the beginning of a beautiful nightmare.

A month later is when I found out I was pregnant...

The spirit will not lead you in the wrong way, or down the wrong path.  The spirit knows you and will protect you.  Heavenly Father knows you and loves you...He will never lead you down the wrong road.  He tries to save you, it is up to you whether or not you listen!  You cannot blame Him when things go wrong.  That is not fair.

Like when I got pregnant with my sweet I it was MY fault, not the baby's!  It was MINE!  I wasn't going sit there and be angry with my Heavenly Father and ask him "Why me?!"  If anything He entrusted one of His sweet children in my hands hoping I would make the right choice and make sure she got to the right home.  That was a lot of trust He put in me!  And luckily I feel as though I did not let Him down with that sweet spirit.  I got her exactly where she needed to be!

I have peace in my heart...I know I have learned my lesson...I will listen to the still small voice of the spirit, I will obey.  I have taken the hard road, but I wouldn't change it for anything.  I am stronger for all of my mistakes.  But, I do not encourage anyone to follow in my foot steps or anything like that.  The lessons that I have learned are hard and heartbreaking.  I do not wish the pain and agony that I have felt over the years on my worst enemy.

Stay true to yourself...hold on to the rod.  Stay on the straight and narrow path.  You may think it's a boring pathway, but I promise you it is a pathway that will bring you joy and happiness....it won't bring you as much pain, sadness, anger, trials, and tribulations, as the other pathways.  Give heed to these words.  Goodnight...

I walk

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost...I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in...It's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

I walk dow the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

This is much like my life.  I continually walked down the same road and got the same end result.  I fell into a deep hole filled with  a lot of pain, heartache and tears.  And finally I have come to realize I need to do things differently and do things through my Heavenly Father.  If I do all things through Him the heartache will not be so sever and there will be far less tears.  I will still have my share of trials and tribulations, because that is how we all learn and grown here on earth, but they won't be as hard as they would be without Him.  

I cannot believe it took me so long to figure all of this out.  How foolish I feel!  I guess maybe some of us need to learn the hard way?...I don't know.  I guess if I had followed Heavenly Father's plan from the get go I could have avoided a lot of my heartache...but I didn't.  And all I can say is I have learned a lot, and I have learned that I am strong and I am a survivor!  

I am just glad I am not on that road that has that deep hole in it anymore!

My Neighbors Angels

Today while we were helping our neighbor pack up her house to move, I did not realize the impact my daughter made on her.  And, boy, was I in for a shock!

A few months ago, my daughter and her friend came over and asked if they could get brooms and stuff so they could help clean up the neighbor's yard out of the blue.  I looked outside to see if they were outside working and they wanted to help...but as I looked there was no one outside.  So, I was a little apprehensive about giving them permission about cleaning up someone's yard.  Cause what if she didn't want people in her yard when she wasn't there?  Then what if she came home and these two girls are in her yard and she got offended.  But, I shrugged off my apprehension and gave them the stuff and they set forth to clean up the yard with such determination.

There they were two 9 year old girls raking and sweeping up leaves into neat piles...they did as much as they could before dinner and before it got dark.  A few days later they wanted to finish what they had started and so they again and set out to finish.  They did a wonderful job!  And that was that...

Now, today having taken the time to talk to my neighbor she told me the story from her perspective and it blew me away!

She was going through a divorce and was going through a very hard time, trying to get her kids to and from various things, getting a job and everything else.  She couldn't physically do everything either.  She had been getting fines from the HOA for how her yard looked and didn't know what she was going to do, she had been praying all day long about helping her...and when she got home there were neat little piles of leaves that she was able to easily put into the trash.  And the same thing happened a few days later.  She just cried because she was so grateful that "her angels" had been sent to her to help her.

I am so proud that my daughter got the inspiration to help someone in need.  It just tells me that she is close to the spirit and wants to do good in life and she wants to help anyone she can!  She truly wants to serve others and that brings joy to my heart.  Maybe, just maybe I am doing a good job in raising my daughter to want to serve her Heavenly Father and others.  :)

16 Years

On the 16th it was 16 years since I lost my baby...and it still seems like yesterday sometimes.  The ache is still there, no matter how much time has gone by.  I often catch myself wondering of if the baby would have been a boy or a girl...what he/she would have looked like...who he/she would have acted like.

A week before my first appointment to check on the baby I remember having the worst nightmare of my life.  I remember the dream being so real that I felt I was actually there, I could touch, feel, taste...it was so incredibly real!  I dreamt that I went into labor and had a baby girl, I held her and kissed her...then all of a sudden the doctor came in and told me she had passed away.  I cried from the depths of my soul they had to rip her out of my arms.  I woke up crying from that dream, it seemed so real!  I shook it off just thinking, "I'm just nervous and stressed about everything."  Little did I know what was yet to come...

I was excited my best friend just had her baby boy, I was getting married on the 18th, and I was going in for my first appointment and I was going to be able to hear the heart beat for the first time!  I was happy!  I went in on the 16th in the morning...did all the usual fun things.  And then came the time I was looking forward to the most!  Hearing the hear beat!  She was searching and searching for what seemed like for ever.  And no luck.  She nervously looked at me and smiled at me trying to reassure me that everything was ok.  She told me that she wanted me to go to the hospital for a sonogram to check if there was a heart beat...I remember thinking what do you mean IF!!!!!  She said that because I was so early that was probably the reason she couldn't get the heart beat on her thing.  So I tried not to panic.

I went back to the house and picked up my soon to be husband and we went off to the hospital.  We went back into the sonogram room and I laid down on the table, and as soon as they put my baby on the screen I knew...a mothers worst fear...a mother's worst night mare...a little baby lifeless...no beating heart...not moving...nothing.  It was just there.

I sobbed and cried from the depths of my soul!  I wanted my baby!  And what did I do to not get my baby!  It wasn't fair!  I was getting married and we were all going to be a family and we were going to be ok!  I was scheduled for a D&C later that day.  I cried so much on the way home...I couldn't stop the tears!  They just kept coming!  Knowing that in a few hours the doctors were going to take my baby from my body...just killed me.  I didn't care if my baby was alive or not I didn't want them taking it!  I cried in my soon to be hubby's arms...fell asleep and woke up and cried some more.

What a horrible feeling going into that hospital that night...I had a baby in my womb.  And just like that there was no more baby.  I woke up from the surgery crying for my baby...no one could calm me down...I was uncontrollable my body shook with the sobs, my soul was in the darkest place of despair, I literally felt as though I didn't want to go on anymore.  I just wanted my baby back, and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. No one could turn back the hands of time, no one could magically say that the baby was alive and I could go home and continue on with my life!  They finally had to sedate me and I fell back into a peaceful slumber.

I was a mess for a long time after that.  I was so angry!  Why was I not good enough to bring forth another child?!  I still have my moments.  But, I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan...and my baby wasn't ready to come down to earth quite yet.  I had to learn patience and not anything is on my time it is always on His time.  And I am ok with that.  But, no matter how ok I am, and how much more I understand I still catch myself wondering what life would have been like if I hadn't lost her.  I know without a shadow of a doubt my baby who I lost was a girl.  I know that dream I had was preparing me for what was to come.  I know now, when I do have dreams like those to take them seriously and ponder them and learn from them.

Even throughout all the heartache I am grateful for my life and all of its challenges.  It has taught me so much and has made me the person I am today.  I am a strong person...I will not break.  I keep getting stronger and my love for my Heavenly Father just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I pray I will get to meet that sweet spirit that I couldn't carry to term...who knows maybe I already have...oh-the mysteries of the Lords plan!  :)

My Journey to the Temple...

Growing up in the church you sing the song; I love to see the temple...I NEVER thought I would be going there for myself.  With the way I lived my life, I never thought I would be able to get it together to get there.  I always wanted to go there...but never thought I was special enough...never thought I was good enough to go.  It has taken me 35 years to realize that I don't have to be perfect to get there...I have to do my best...live righteously and want to do good in everything I do and in my life, I can get there!

 1. I love to see the temple.

I’m going there someday

To feel the Holy Spirit,

To listen and to pray.

For the temple is a house of God,

A place of love and beauty.

I’ll prepare myself while I am young;

This is my sacred duty.

2. I love to see the temple.

I’ll go inside someday.

I’ll cov’nant with my Father;

I’ll promise to obey.

For the temple is a holy place

Where we are sealed together.

As a child of God, I’ve learned this truth:

A fam’ly is forever.

While I didn't prepare myself while I was young...I did have the desire to go there one day...and I finally made it!  I finally had a Bishop who believed in me!  I had my parents who also believed in me!  I always had the desire deep in my heart...

The reason why it took me so long to get there was because I knew what a serious commitment it was to go there, and I didn't want to mess it up.  I didn't want to go there and go back to my old ways...I wanted to make sure I was 100% ready to make that commitment and live the way I needed to in order to enter the Lords house.  

Getting to this point wasn't easy.  There was a lot of 2 steps forward and 5 steps back, and so on and so on...but the journey was worth it!  I am here and I am happy!

When I first met with the Bishop about taking the Temple prep classes I told him I wanted to go slow because I knew how serious this was and I was taking it very seriously.  So, he set up the lessons with an awesome couple in my ward and we were doing one lesson a week...after the first 2 weeks and lessons I had a feeling I needed to speed up the process.  So, that is what we did.  We started doing 2 lessons a week.  

I felt my testimony grow in ways I never thought possible...I felt peace in my heart I never thought possible.  I felt my parents being proud of my like never before.  I was and still am experiencing things I have never before!  And it is amazing!  I wish I had come to this realization sooner, but I know I had to go through what I did for a reason, for whatever that reason is I don't know!  

Now, the week before I went to the temple I started to feel anger...I was so angry at everything and everyone for no reason.  I couldn't figure it out for the life of me why I was so angry.  And, it wasn't just a irritable anger, it was a blood boiling don't talk to me anger.  I remember talking to the Bishop about it and he told me that it was Satan trying to get me not to go to the temple and to do something stupid...to try and stay strong and keep praying. I remember going home thinking in my head that nothing was going to get in my way of going to the temple so Satan could try all he wanted but he wasn't going to win...he took up enough of my life and enough was enough!  I was in control and I was not going to let him mess it up for me.

The day came for me to go...and things went smooth.  I got up got ready and we got there on time.  I was nervous...I kept thinking I was going to do something stupid and fall or fumble...just nervous.  But, in the parking lot my mom said she never thought she would see the day that I would go to the temple.  She had such a smile on her face...I have never seen her smile like that, she glowed she absolutely glowed.  

Here I am on the way to the temple:

It was an amazing experience.  I was so ready to be there...everything seemed so natural and because everything seemed natural is how I knew I was ready.  Once I was there I felt as though I was home.  I felt such peace in my heart...and sadness at the same time.  Sadness because it took me 35 years to get there...and how many blessings I had been missing out on, how much peace I had been missing out on in my life.  How much pain and agony I could have saved myself, how much love and comfort I could have felt.  Like the Bishop told me, he doesn't know how I have gone this long without the temple in my life, and now that I have been twice I don't know how I went without it either.  I have been missing out!  

I am hungry to go as much as I can!  I am anxious for the Gilbert temple to open its doors so I can go often.  I hope to be a good example to my kids so they see the love that I have for the temple that they will have the same love for it and have the desire to go there too.  

Here I am after I went through:

I feel like a changed woman!  For the better!  I love the temple just like the primary song says!  I finally went there...next stop is getting my celestial mate!  :)  

??

Oh my goodness this last month has been hard!  Actually this last 3 months have been hard on me.  So many different elements to the equation as to the answer, it's not a simple one either.

I don't know where to begin to be honest, it seems like a dream to be truthful...it seems to be a nightmare more than anything else in the whole entire world.

To be honest I don't know if I should run away or to stand and "tough it out" I know that I should and it would be the grown up thing to do is "tough it out" as best as I can.  But, I don't want to!  I am tired!  I feel like since I was young this has always been the case for me.  As soon as I get comfortable then I get thrown a curve ball, and I don't like it!  

I work so hard, I worked so hard and I feel like I am just discarded like a piece of trash...like oh-I am done using you now you can leave my presence and don't come back until you are summoned again.

It almost feels like a piece of trash.  My confidence was building, and now it has been torn down again...I am on shaky ground and am not sure where to step or where to walk.  Where to turn or where to duck and hide.  Who is lurking around the corner, or who is behind me ready to stab my in the back.  

Everyday it seems I have tears in my eyes, pain in my back...a heavy heart and a contrite spirit.  I don't know why or what the purpose of this is, and what my purpose is anymore.  I feel like I am waisting everyone's time.

I know this is dumb...but this is how I am feeling.  I am overwhelmed with sadness all of the time...I am overwhelmed with anger and resentment at the same time.  

How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  Why?  What did I do wrong? Maybe I am not the image they want...maybe it would be better if I were to crawl into a hole and stay there.  My confidence has been rocked back down to zero and I feel like I am 12 all over again.  The outsider looking in like always.  I guess some things will never change.  Story of my life. 

I can literally feel my heart hardening and I know that's not good.  I know I need to pray to God and let him help me!  But I don't know if he can help me love my situation.

Only time will tell, so the saying goes.  I guess we shall see.

11 Years

11 Years ago today I was packing up my things so I could go to the airport to get on a plane to embark on the most scariest journey I have ever made in my entire life.  I have made many journey's in life, over come many trials and tribulations throughout my life, but to date this is by far the hardest one I have ever gone through, and hope I ever have to go through.
To be honest I don't know how I got myself to get on the plane not knowing the outcome of everything.  I don't know where I got the courage or the faith that things would work out the way it was supposed to.  I think it was my Belle who gave me that faith and courage.  She has such a strong spirit even now, so I think it had a lot to do with her.  I don't know if she will ever truly understand what a huge part she played in my courage.
I cannot believe it has been 11 years!  In some ways it seems like it has flown by so fast, and in other ways it feels as though it has taken an eternity to go by.  But either way I am so grateful for the love, support, and encouragement I got from my friends and family in that time!  They were there when I needed them...
I remember feeling terrified and anxious...the thought of living with strangers, having a baby and my mom not being there...the possibility of not getting the couple who I knew was the right one's for me...I was a mess!  But some how some way I held it together and got on the plane...found my host family who turned out to be the best family ever!  I remember walking into their house them showing me the room I would be staying in and I laid on the bed and just cried...cried for my mom...cried for my baby I was carrying...cried for the unanswered questions that were looming in my head...I cried for Michael...I cried...until I fell asleep.
My host family treated me like one of their own.  They took me everywhere with them.  If they went to family things they took me with them...they went to church they took me too.  If they went to see anything with the Olympics they took me too!  She took me to my doctor appointments, she took me to my counseling appointments, she took me and stayed with me to my face-to-face with my couple.  She was there for me when there was no one there.  I can never ever thank her enough!
11 years has gone by, and not a day has gone by that I have not thought about that experience in one way or another.