16 Years

On the 16th it was 16 years since I lost my baby...and it still seems like yesterday sometimes.  The ache is still there, no matter how much time has gone by.  I often catch myself wondering of if the baby would have been a boy or a girl...what he/she would have looked like...who he/she would have acted like.

A week before my first appointment to check on the baby I remember having the worst nightmare of my life.  I remember the dream being so real that I felt I was actually there, I could touch, feel, taste...it was so incredibly real!  I dreamt that I went into labor and had a baby girl, I held her and kissed her...then all of a sudden the doctor came in and told me she had passed away.  I cried from the depths of my soul they had to rip her out of my arms.  I woke up crying from that dream, it seemed so real!  I shook it off just thinking, "I'm just nervous and stressed about everything."  Little did I know what was yet to come...

I was excited my best friend just had her baby boy, I was getting married on the 18th, and I was going in for my first appointment and I was going to be able to hear the heart beat for the first time!  I was happy!  I went in on the 16th in the morning...did all the usual fun things.  And then came the time I was looking forward to the most!  Hearing the hear beat!  She was searching and searching for what seemed like for ever.  And no luck.  She nervously looked at me and smiled at me trying to reassure me that everything was ok.  She told me that she wanted me to go to the hospital for a sonogram to check if there was a heart beat...I remember thinking what do you mean IF!!!!!  She said that because I was so early that was probably the reason she couldn't get the heart beat on her thing.  So I tried not to panic.

I went back to the house and picked up my soon to be husband and we went off to the hospital.  We went back into the sonogram room and I laid down on the table, and as soon as they put my baby on the screen I knew...a mothers worst fear...a mother's worst night mare...a little baby lifeless...no beating heart...not moving...nothing.  It was just there.

I sobbed and cried from the depths of my soul!  I wanted my baby!  And what did I do to not get my baby!  It wasn't fair!  I was getting married and we were all going to be a family and we were going to be ok!  I was scheduled for a D&C later that day.  I cried so much on the way home...I couldn't stop the tears!  They just kept coming!  Knowing that in a few hours the doctors were going to take my baby from my body...just killed me.  I didn't care if my baby was alive or not I didn't want them taking it!  I cried in my soon to be hubby's arms...fell asleep and woke up and cried some more.

What a horrible feeling going into that hospital that night...I had a baby in my womb.  And just like that there was no more baby.  I woke up from the surgery crying for my baby...no one could calm me down...I was uncontrollable my body shook with the sobs, my soul was in the darkest place of despair, I literally felt as though I didn't want to go on anymore.  I just wanted my baby back, and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. No one could turn back the hands of time, no one could magically say that the baby was alive and I could go home and continue on with my life!  They finally had to sedate me and I fell back into a peaceful slumber.

I was a mess for a long time after that.  I was so angry!  Why was I not good enough to bring forth another child?!  I still have my moments.  But, I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan...and my baby wasn't ready to come down to earth quite yet.  I had to learn patience and not anything is on my time it is always on His time.  And I am ok with that.  But, no matter how ok I am, and how much more I understand I still catch myself wondering what life would have been like if I hadn't lost her.  I know without a shadow of a doubt my baby who I lost was a girl.  I know that dream I had was preparing me for what was to come.  I know now, when I do have dreams like those to take them seriously and ponder them and learn from them.

Even throughout all the heartache I am grateful for my life and all of its challenges.  It has taught me so much and has made me the person I am today.  I am a strong person...I will not break.  I keep getting stronger and my love for my Heavenly Father just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I pray I will get to meet that sweet spirit that I couldn't carry to term...who knows maybe I already have...oh-the mysteries of the Lords plan!  :)