My awakening...

I have had an awakening of some sorts today...and I am so angry about it too.  I don't know why it has taken me so long to get to this point, and why did it take so much for me to see it.  Why it took me seeing my baby girl cry and go through so much anger before I got to this too!

My daughter has this connection that I will NEVER understand with her sisters on her dad's side, and with her dad too.  I don't understand since I have been the one who have been there for her since day 1 and I have never left her.  I don't get it, but I have respected it at the same time.  Biting my tongue when she wants to call and send them things in the mail...text them and hope that they would call her back.  I am glad she never held her breath while waiting, cause she would have died waiting!  Can you tell I am a little angry?

I don't understand why they don't call her on their own...I don't understand why they tell her they have things for her birthday that they need to send and they never send it.  I don't understand how they can have the heart to flat out ignore her, while she begs them to call her almost everyday.  She calls them a couple times a day, sometimes everyday....and they never answer and they don't call her back.  I don't know why they won't answer, they don't need to worry about me wanting to get on the phone with them.

I want my kids to have a relationship with their brothers and sisters...is that too much to ask for?!  I don't understand what she did to make them ignore her like that....I found a text message the other day in my phone that she had sent to them, it went, "Hey it is Christiana can you please call me.  I feel like you don't like me or love me, and I do no know why I feel like that ok.  And I really want to talk to you so much but you're not answering me when I call you, all I want you to do is talk to me ok, that's all I want from you and a text ok and that I love you guys a lot ok and remember that I want you guys to call me or text ok, love you lots."

I read that and cried.  I don't know how they can have the heart to not respond to her.  She is begging them to love her almost.  I am not saying they don't love her, because I am sure that they do, but she needs a lot of attention and she wants it from them too.  She is angry that this is not happening.  I don't know what to do.  I am seriously thinking about talking to my daughter and tell her to give up already.  I am ready to stop letting her call them and text them.  I am tired of seeing her hurt, and disappointed time after time again.  She really thinks that no one loves her over there.

My heart aches, I am at a crossroad and I don't know what to do!  I am confused.  I hope that I will make the right choice for my daughter.  I want what is best for her and no one else.  I feel like no one else thinks about what she wants or needs....:(  My heart hurts for my baby girl.

Being a parent is hard work!

sad but true

"Girl gets pregnant---people say "She's too young to have a baby"

Girl considers abortion--"Babykiller"
Girl considers adoption--"Can't believe she's just going to give her baby away"
Girl keeps baby--"How's
she going to afford that baby??"

Girl gets welfare---"Lazy bitch"

Girl gets job---"How can she stand to be away from her baby all day like that?"
Girl becomes SAHM--"She probably doesn't do 

anything all day."
Girl stops hanging out with friends--"She totally changed when she had that baby"
Girl goes out--"She's always partying"
Girl wants to leave crappy bf--"Nobody knows what it means to work things out anymore"
Girl wants to stay with crappy bf--"She's dumb."
Girl eats burger--"Fat ass"
Girl eats salad--"Must be one of those anorexic health nuts"
Girl is overprotective of her child---"You're acting like a psycho"
Girl lets her child play without her---"Where is this kid's mom??"
Girl spanks her kid---"Call CPS!"
Girl refuses to spank---"Her kids are gonna be such brats"

No matter what you do, people will talk. So do what is best for YOU, not other people. ♥"

I dreampt

My Dream...

   

About 6 months or so ago, I awoke from a dream...one so real I felt as though it had really happened.  The kind that the feelings are so intense it's like you're really there in real life.  I dreamt so many months, weeks, days ago about a very special moment that most birthmothers dream about.  

I dreamt that I was in a crowded place...lots of people hurrying around me, I was pushing my way through the crowd trying to get somewhere.  I do not know where I was trying to get to...but I knew I needed to get there fast.  And then it happened...the sea of people parted and I saw her.  My heart started beating so fast it felt as though it would jump out of my chest.  My palms grew cold and clammy, my breathe quickened.  I felt as though I were going to pass out.  Our eyes met, and it was like everyone in the area faded away.  She ran to me, and right into my arms.  

I held her tight and said, "I have missed you my sweet baby girl!"  She whispered in my ear, "I love you."  It melted my heart.  

I woke up feeling empty...feeling like that dream would never come true.  I told my friend about it and she created the best graphic art for me in the world.  It was perfect, just like my dream.

Now for the part that makes my dream become reality.  My Belle's mom just asked me to pick her and Belle up from the airport when they come in Nov.  And I am sure the scene when we meet will be much like this picture just like my dream.  I am so excited to see her again.  But, weird that I had that dream before I knew what was going to happen.  I will let you all know how it goes!  :)

The Heartache of Losing a Baby...

I was 19 years old, my first love had moved back into town and we got back together.  I loved that boy with all of my heart, although my parents could care less for him.  They said they thought I could do better.  But I loved him anyway.  I ended up getting pregnant June of 1997, and we decided to get married...you know it was the right thing to do.  One night I had a terrible nightmare that felt made me feel that it really happened, a nightmare I woke up crying about, one I would have sworn really happened.  My dream was about me giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, who was dead.  I lost her...I felt the ache in my heart, a feeling I had never felt before in my life...after I woke up I dismissed it and went on planning our wedding and started planning for our baby.  We were to be married July 18, 1997...on July 16th I went in for my very first appointment, so excited to hear the heartbeat...

The doctor went and did the exam and then she tried to hear the heartbeat, she couldn't find it...my heart was pounding and she tried to reassure me that it may be because I was too early to be able to hear it.  So she sent me over to the hospital so I could have a sonogram to make sure everything was ok.  I felt like I was in my nightmare but it was real...I kept trying to wake up but I couldn't because I was already awake.

I went in for the sonogram and what I saw will always haunt me for the rest of my life.  I saw my sweet baby there on the screen...lifeless...no heartbeat, no moving, no nothing.  I had to ask them 3 times if they were sure that my baby was not living anymore.  I didn't want to believe it.  I cried uncontrollably, no one could comfort me, not even my soon to be husband.  Earlier I was pregnant and going to be a mommy, now I was carrying my dead baby feeling helpless and angry.  I could not understand why this was happening.  

I had to go back to the hospital later that night to have a D&C performed...what a terrible ordeal.  I went to sleep and woke up knowing I was empty my baby was gone...I cried from the depths of my soul...sobbing, my whole body shaking.  No one could make me feel better, no one could help me.  I didn't understand what I had done so wrong to have that happen to me.  But, I know now that, that sweet spirit wasn't ready to come down...it just wasn't meant to be.  

I got married two days later, it was a bitter sweet day for me.  I was so depressed about the miscarriage that it was hard for me to be happy.  

I got pregnant again in October of 1998 and lost that one too.  I made it to 12 weeks this time.  I went in for another D&C and woke up more inconsolable than the first time.  They had to sedate me again because I couldn't calm down.  No matter how many miscarriages one goes through it doesn't take the amount of pain away that you feel.  

I often think about the 3 babies I lost...I wonder if they would have been a boy or a girl...what they would have been like...who they would have looked like...how different my life would have been like. I know things happen for a reason, and things happen the way Heavenly Father has planned for me, but it still doesn't take away the pain and the curiosity I have.  I love all the babies I have carried...no matter if they survived or if they passed away.  I hope I will meet them and be able to wrap my arms around them and tell them how loved they are!

I hate it when I hear about someone going through the pain of the loss of a pregnancy...because I would not wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.  It's a pain I wish no one ever had to feel...something I wish no one ever had to go through.  I don't talk about it much...but this year was my 15 year anniversary and I thought it is time to start.  I will not be silent about it anymore.

Michael

Today is Michael's 16th birthday.  I do not talk about him much...and I really don't know why that is.  But I really think it's about time I do start.  It is part of my healing process.  I know my parents don't like me talking about it, and I pray Michael doesn't mind me talking about this.  But, it is something I have to talk about, for it weighs heavily on my mind all of the time.  I love that boy so much, more than my own life.  I don't know if he knows that or if he even cares how much I love him.  No matter what choices I have made in my life, he is my first born son, he is the first true love of my life, he is the one who taught me what unconditional love is all about.  To him I am eternally grateful!  I am eternally grateful that My dear Heavenly Father gave me the honor of giving him life...and entrusting me I would do right by him no matter how much it hurt me.

I am so proud of the person he is becoming...still needs a bit more shaping, but over all he is turning out GREAT!  I wish he knew just how much I love him...how much I worry about him...he is always on my mind, in my thoughts and prayers.  I want so much for him...but every birthmother wants the best for their child when placing...that is mainly the whole reason for placing.  I have never really wrote his birth story down...and figured better late than never.  It is a good labor and delivery story!  :)

My story starts in August of 1995...I was 17 and living life...I was about to start my senior year in high school with no care in the world.  I didn't have a boyfriend, I had a friend who came to visit me after I got my tonsils out.  While he was visiting events happened which lead me to get pregnant.  I was in such denial about the possibility that I could be pregnant.  My sister was pregnant, she was at the end of her pregnancy and wanted me in the labor room.  In the mean time I kept hoping and praying that my period would come!  My dad became bishop of the single adult ward and I was terrified about how this was going to look on my family.

October 2, 2005 my sweet nephew was born...yes I was there in the room while my sister delivered.  She had the most difficult delivery I had seen...well, it was the first one ever I had seen.  Seeing that terrified me even more about the possibility that I could be pregnant.  After seeing that I never wanted to have a baby!

As the days went by I knew more and more that my period wasn't going to come.  I broke down and had my friend to go with me to buy a pregnancy test...even though I was about 3 months late, I still needed to know for sure through a test.  We came back to my house and I took it, and it came out positive (shocker) I cried on her shoulder.  My worst nightmare came true, I was the pregnant bishop's daughter.  My parents came home I called my dad upstairs.  I had to tell him, but I could not get the words to come out of my mouth.I just threw him the bag with the test in it.  He opened it and looked at it and didn't know what it was, (I don't think he ever saw one before) he asked me and forced me to say it...'I am pregnant dad'.  Then he told me that he was going to have to tell my mom, and I was even more terrified.  She took it better than I thought she would.

We went to the doctor and got in right away because of how long it had been since I had my period.  I got right in, and was told I was about 4 months along, and they told me that it was  a boy.  The doctor was pretty mean to me.  I continued going to school throughout the whole pregnancy.

I considered adoption outside of the family, I went to Family Services in the beginning the birthfather was all for adoption because he didn't want to take care of another baby.  I looked at some profiles and this one particular time my mom was with me...at the end of the appointment we went to the bathroom, and we looked at each other and she said to me, this doesn't feel right to me...and I felt the same way.  It had nothing to do with the fact that this was her grandson it was that the Holy Ghost was there telling us that this plan wasn't right for our family.  But we couldn't figure out why.  I never returned to Family Services again, we went ahead and started making plans to keep him and take him home with us after I had him.

The rest of my pregnancy was pretty uneventful...I had a great pregnancy, no complications, no back pain, no pre term labor.  I was due May 1, 1996.  I went to school April 29, 1996 the next day was a day off.  On April 30th, I remember I woke up about 5 in the morning with funny pains, I wasn't sure what it was...cause I had never felt labor pains before.  My mom was up getting ready for work, I went into the bathroom where she was and told her I didn't think she should go to work that day, because I thought I was going into labor.  She called out of work and stayed by my side.

We started timing the contractions, they were consistent and were coming about every 5 mins, my mom wasn't sure how to handle this because she never had a baby (we are all adopted) so she had no idea what to do.  After my sister got to the house we decided to go to the hospital.  They sent me home.  We went home and waited, I had a doctors appointment that day so we went to that and she said that it was going to be that day.  The doctor said to walk to get my labor going good so I could get admitted to the hospital.  We went to Sears to get the crib because that is one of the things we hadn't gotten yet.  I remember walking around Sears and the contractions were getting really bad...I was trying to hold it in. We went back to the hospital for the 3rd time and this time they said I wasn't dilating past 1cm and I wasn't in labor, even though I was crying.  They gave me a sleeping pill, which knocked me out but I was still in labor.

I screamed through the sleepiness...I never rested.  It seemed like it was endless waves of pain coming and never stopping.  My dad got home from work to the sounds of my painful cries and pleads for drugs to take the pain away...he said this was ridiculous and he was taking me to the hospital and wasn't going to leave until I had the baby!  When we were walking to the car the contractions were so bad when I had one I collapsed.  My dad was yelling at me to get up and walk, I was crying and told him I couldn't help it!  I finally got in the car and me, my dad, my sis, and my mom were off to the hospital with me screaming the whole way.  We were on the freeway the 805 and I had the overwhelming sense to push, I said, 'I have to push.'  And in unison they all yelled, "DON'T PUSH!!!!!!"  I told them I would try my hardest!  I tried breathing...but my body just started naturally pushing.  I couldn't help it!

We make it to the hospital...my sister runs to get me a wheelchair, my mom runs me into the hospital.  Instead of running me into the ER she takes me into the hospital and up 4 floors-in the elevator there was a couple in there who smiled at me and said "aaawwweeee we remember when we were going through that." I wanted to yell at them, but I was concentrating on not screaming in pain, and keeping him in until I got to the doctor.  We get out of the elevator my mom is running me down the hall, I am yelling, "He's coming, he's coming!'  They throw me on a bed, his head is right there.  They broke my water which made it look like it was raining in the room I pushed two times and there was Michael.  He was 7 pounds 0 ounces and 21 inches long.

I had him with no drugs...14.5 hours of pain and labor...but he was and is so worth every bit of the pain I felt when delivering him.  I wouldn't take it back for anything.

Me and my mom shortly after Michael arrived.

This is where my story differs from the rest of the adoption journeys people hear about.  I took Michael home with me, I was his mom, I was feeding him, getting up in the night with him.  I loved him so much!  I bonded with him...he was my little beautiful baby boy!  I went back to school 2 weeks after I gave birth and I graduated from high school with my class...

I raised this baby boy until he was 3 years old.  Throughout the years I slowly began to realize how this amazing baby fit into our family, but didn't want to admit it to anyone.  How could I ever think of doing something after raising this child for 3 years already?  How could I do that to him?  This beautiful little boy who called me mommy, who ran to me when he got hurt...who loved me?  The answers came to me slowly, I wanted him to have what I could not give him by myself.  An eternal family...and I was making choices that were not the best and I wanted to ensure that he was taken care of no matter what...

Our relationship started to evolve into a brother sister relationship when he was about 2 years old.  It was a natural thing...I felt peace with my decision.  I told my parents and it was like everything made sense as to why we all felt so strongly that Michael was supposed to stay in our family.  Heavenly Father gave my mom and dad the opportunity to have a son...

The day Michael was sealed to my parents for time and all eternity.  The day he became my brother instead of son.  My heart gets heavy when I allow myself to think about it too much.  I know that no matter what I did right by him, and made the right choice for him.  

I do not recommend adopting in family for everyone.  It is so hard coming home one day and hearing your child call someone mom and dad...the same people I myself call mom and dad.  The same people he used to call grandma and grandpa.  It hurts still sometimes to this day.  No matter how much I know that the decision was right, it hurts regardless.  

I love you my sweet baby boy!  Always and forever!

Birthmom Baskets!

I don't know how many people actually read my blog...I am hoping a lot do!  I am on a mission!  I am trying to get together donations so we can put together baskets for women whom choose to place their baby for adoption.  It is such a traumatic time in their lives, and I have personal testimony as to how much it has helped them.  It meant so much to each and everyone of them.  I am working with LDSFS-Latter-Day Saints Family Services and trying to get things together to make a basket for these courageous women!  We are looking for items such as:
Baskets
Bags-to put the items in
journals
candles
lotions
nail polish
gift cards-for many will need some new clothes after giving birth
socks
lip gloss
candy
hair clips
picture frames
inspirational books of quotes
bath salts and soaps
anything really that will be helpful and comforting to one in their time of grief.
This is a personal plead...for I am a birthmother too...and though I was never blessed with the program that have here I support this and have a such a great testimony that it helps!  It helps a girl know that they are thought of and are loved...if you have any questions please feel free to e-mail me!  trishalina_78@hotmail.com
Thank you for your time!  :)  Hope to hear from you all soon!

The 'Accident'!

This was too funny not to share!  My 15 year old brother who is kinda sorta dating this chick ride different buses.  So the other day he called the house and says, "Mom, I accidentally got on the wrong bus, I am by the Groves right now, I will be home soon."  Right when my mom told me where he was I knew this was no accident!  He got on her bus so they could go home together!  Oh my goodness!  This boy and his "accidents!"  After he got home I told him I knew what he did and he admitted it, but wow!  I cannot believe he did that!  LOL!  I thought this was funny/cute so I had to share!

Poem by one of the pieces of my heart!

This poem was written by my brother for his English class.  It was so good it made me cry and I wanted to share it with all of you who read this blog!

March 2012

“If I ever go to war”

By:  Michael Hauserman

If I ever go to war Mom, Please don’t be afraid.

There are some things I must do, to keep the promise that I made.

I’m sure there will be some heartache, and I know that you’ll cry some tears,

But your son is a soldier now, Mom, there’s nothing you should fear.

If I ever go to war Dad, I know that you’ll be strong.

But you won’t have to worry, ‘cause you taught me right from wrong.

You kept me firmly on the ground, yet still taught me how to fly.

Your son is a soldier now Dad, I love you, even if I die.

If I ever go to war my friends, we’ll never be apart,

Though we may not meet again, I’ll hold you forever in my heart.

Remember all the good times we had, don’t let those memories cease.

I’m a soldier my friends, pretty hard to believe but my friends I’ll die to bring you peace.

If I ever go to war my country, it will be my greatest honor,

To defend and protect the country gained by our founding father’s.

I will never stop fighting for thee, ‘till I’m buried 6 feet deep.

I’m a soldier for my country, and I will not accept defeat.

If I go to war, my soul, my decision stays the same,

I shall go onward and charge in just like the noble light brigade.

Just like them, I may not know where my path might lie,

I’m a soldier my soul, I know the decisions is right, and I’m not afraid to die.

If I ever go to war my Lord, my God, hear me now while I pray,

Lord please, protect my family and friends each and every day.

Lord, my God I am scared, but I know that I can always rely on thee.

I am a soldier my Lord, my God, “Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me.”

And when I go to heaven, and I see its gate,

I will not enter in, but rather I will stand outside and wait.

And when the angel asks why I won’t go in I will stand and give him a reply,

And I will point down from the skies and say, “I am a soldier, and I cannot leave them behind.”

If I ever go to war,

If I ever go to war…

To all those who fought, are fighting, and lost their lives for our freedom; God bless you!  You all are truly the bravest people on the face of the earth!

So I've been told...

I have been told that I should write a book...I guess I have had a pretty interesting life to where people think others can learn something from it.  I do not see this at all.  But now that the idea has been planted in my head I am seriously thinking about doing it.  Of course I shall change some names around so I do not incriminate anyone!  ;)  I think it's crazy for me to even be thinking about this at all!  I don't even know where to start, or what story I should start with.  I have so many experiences, trials, and tribulations I have gone through that I do not know where to start.  I don't even know if anyone would be interested in it.  I don't know if anyone could draw strength from my experiences. 
What I really want to write about is my adoption journey.  But it is so long and complicated I wouldn't know where to begin or what to focus on.  So much to contemplate...don't even know what parts are important or what parts will touch someones heart.  I want to write something that will mean something to someone.  I don't want to waste my time at all and I don't want to waste anyone elses' time either.
I guess only time will tell as to what I am going to do...maybe I will write it maybe I won't.  Although it makes me feel kinda special that people think I have something to offer others through my own experiences.  I have something that can help people through their own tough times, and maybe I can give them some sort of strength through me.  We shall see.

Does it ever go away?

There are so many things I am feeling right now, I am not totally sure where to begin...

There are times when one feels totally content with their life, and other times when one feels there is something missing...but cannot quite put their finger on what it is.  I am finding my self swinging from one feeling to another often!  It is so frustrating because I do not want to feel like this.  The only part I want to feel is the content part.

When does the feeling of something is missing go away?  I thought this feeling should be gone by now!  I do not want to deal with this and I do not want others to feel that I am feeling this way!  Having said that, is it better to communicate these feelings to others, or is it better to keep them to yourself?  I guess by me blogging about it on here I am not keeping those feelings to myself.  I want to know what would be the right thing to do.  What makes it easier on me, and others?

I do not want to burden others with my feelings and I do not want to make anyone feel guilty for the way that I feel sometimes.  I think it is natural to feel the way I do, but I know there is a right way and a wrong way to deal with these types of feelings and thoughts.  I made my decision long ago and now I have to deal with the consequences and part of those consequences are the thoughts and feelings that haunt me to this day.

A big part of me feels like I just need to get over it and not think about it anymore.  I feel like no one cares or wants to hear about it...so why talk about it or express my thoughts and feelings about it?  I think a lot of the reason why I am feeling like this is because I never dealt with the feelings I had back when it happened.  I buried it and thought to myself I had nothing to be sad about.  I came home and acted like everything was fine, when in fact everything wasn't fine!  I had just gone through the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through.  It was more traumatic than being raped.

Maybe if I let myself think about it too much or feel it too much I would not have survived the pain and mourning that goes along with it.  I think Heavenly Father knew I wouldn't be able to handle these intense emotions until I found others who I could turn to and know they knew exactly how I was feeling.  I thank my Heavenly Father for guiding my path to the wonderful girls I met at birthmother group.  I am starting to remember things I had buried and never dealt with.  And because I didn't deal with these feelings I think it is part of why I made some of the poor choices I made.

Dealing with the grief is so important!  I cannot stress that enough!  You may think everything is fine and you can deal with it by not thinking about it...but let me say this.  It will come up.  There will come a day where these intense feelings well up inside you.  You will be sitting there thinking/wondering where did they come from!  They come from not dealing with them at the time of the event!  They come from not acknowledging them at the time...they come from letting people make light of what you did.  Or from letting people act like it never happened...and act like you should go on with your life as though it never happened.  These are wrong!  It may not hit you a month from when the event happened...it may be 10 years, 30 years later!  But, trust me these feelings will come back with a vengeance at some point.  Be ready to deal with them.

When you do feeling them do not hesitate to fall to your knees and ask for the strength to get through it.  Ask for the gift of having support to get you through it.  Search out support, it is out there you just have to try and find it.  Don't be ashamed of feeling the grief...do not feel guilty for feeling grief.  Yes, you did an amazing thing and it brings comfort somewhat...but it's ok to feel sad, mad, loss, heartbroken, bitter, jealous...it is normal!!!!!!!  You are normal!  I promise!

I also promise that when you do deal with these thoughts and feelings head on you will have a healthier thought process and a more productive future!

I love all of our birthmom's!  Even the one's I have not had the honor of meeting yet.  I also have a great love for all of the adoptive couples out there!  How my heart goes out to each and everyone of you!  I pray that everyone finds their happiness and things fall into place as you want them too.  I love the saying, "I never said it would be easy, I just promise it will be worth it!"  How true this is whether you are a birthparent or an adoptive couple!  No path is easy...each struggles greatly on both ends!  But in the end it is worth it!

I love you all!

Not a good day

I have to say...this is NOT a good day for me today!  I am so tired and frustrated with everything and everyone.  I am so done with the way my life is going...or should I say not going.  I am so tired of living at home and depending on my parents.  I am tired of my kids being disrespectful and I am tired of them throwing fits.  I am just tired of life.  This is a new year and I am already feeling like this!  This is so stupid!  I told myself that this was going to be a good year...no drama or anything.  And it is already a bad one.

I am stressed out to the fullest about the thought of having to have bladder surgery.  With all of the law suites about it scares me to death.  I have a bad feeling that if I do get this surgery it will turn out bad.  I don't want to have more problems then I already am having.  I am wanting to do good in school this semester and I want to get a job too.  I don't have time for surgery and all this.  I am tired...

I feel like there is a ton of pressure on my chest and I cannot breathe.  Don't get me wrong...I know there are people out there that have it worse off than I do right now...but it is feeling pretty bad right now.  Like to the point of me feeling like I want to get in bed and stay there forever.

New Year!!!! 2012!!!

Well, it is a new year once again and I have to say it is already feeling like it is going to be a good year.  I know there will be some bumps along the way, I anticipate it and am ready to face them head on!  Yesterday I went down to the social security office and official changed the kid's last names from Trevino to Hauserman!!!!  It feels so good to have it final and complete!  All I have to do now is to get their names changed on their medical things but that is no big deal!
After much thought and deliberation I came to the conclusion...well, my daughter came to the conclusion that she no longer wanted anything to do with her siblings from her dad's side of the family.  So by her request I deleted them from my facebook, and their phone numbers from my phone.  I am done seeing my daughter cry about them.  So when she said she didn't want anything to do with them I was relieved.  It has been a month and so far so good.
But how sad is it for a 7 year old girl come to the point to where she knows that her sisters do not love or care for her the way she wants them to.  She is wise beyond her years, and in other ways she is angry too.  She acts out a lot here, I am thinking that is because she is angry because of the situation.  I am angry too, so I don't blame her for acting the way she does sometimes.
One day all of them are going to have to answer to the kids as to why they did what they did, and I just hope their answers help the kids and not harm them.

Another aspect is I am hoping this will be the last semester I will be at Chandler-Gilbert Community College and I will be able to get my AA!  That would be awesome!  That is if I can pass math!  UGH!  Math is my hang up!  It always has been!  I just need to get through it...I don't care what I get as long as it is a passing grade!  I am hoping this will be the time I pass it!  If I don't, I am going to have to start thinking about another route to take with my future.  I have to come up with something that will be able to provide for my kids the way they deserve.  I don't want to live from pay check to pay check...I want to be able to live comfortably.  But, I don't know what I will do if I don't pass math...what other career options do I have?  We shall see.

This is going to be a good year for me!  I can feel it!