The Heartache of Losing a Baby...

I was 19 years old, my first love had moved back into town and we got back together.  I loved that boy with all of my heart, although my parents could care less for him.  They said they thought I could do better.  But I loved him anyway.  I ended up getting pregnant June of 1997, and we decided to get married...you know it was the right thing to do.  One night I had a terrible nightmare that felt made me feel that it really happened, a nightmare I woke up crying about, one I would have sworn really happened.  My dream was about me giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, who was dead.  I lost her...I felt the ache in my heart, a feeling I had never felt before in my life...after I woke up I dismissed it and went on planning our wedding and started planning for our baby.  We were to be married July 18, 1997...on July 16th I went in for my very first appointment, so excited to hear the heartbeat...

The doctor went and did the exam and then she tried to hear the heartbeat, she couldn't find it...my heart was pounding and she tried to reassure me that it may be because I was too early to be able to hear it.  So she sent me over to the hospital so I could have a sonogram to make sure everything was ok.  I felt like I was in my nightmare but it was real...I kept trying to wake up but I couldn't because I was already awake.

I went in for the sonogram and what I saw will always haunt me for the rest of my life.  I saw my sweet baby there on the screen...lifeless...no heartbeat, no moving, no nothing.  I had to ask them 3 times if they were sure that my baby was not living anymore.  I didn't want to believe it.  I cried uncontrollably, no one could comfort me, not even my soon to be husband.  Earlier I was pregnant and going to be a mommy, now I was carrying my dead baby feeling helpless and angry.  I could not understand why this was happening.  

I had to go back to the hospital later that night to have a D&C performed...what a terrible ordeal.  I went to sleep and woke up knowing I was empty my baby was gone...I cried from the depths of my soul...sobbing, my whole body shaking.  No one could make me feel better, no one could help me.  I didn't understand what I had done so wrong to have that happen to me.  But, I know now that, that sweet spirit wasn't ready to come down...it just wasn't meant to be.  

I got married two days later, it was a bitter sweet day for me.  I was so depressed about the miscarriage that it was hard for me to be happy.  

I got pregnant again in October of 1998 and lost that one too.  I made it to 12 weeks this time.  I went in for another D&C and woke up more inconsolable than the first time.  They had to sedate me again because I couldn't calm down.  No matter how many miscarriages one goes through it doesn't take the amount of pain away that you feel.  

I often think about the 3 babies I lost...I wonder if they would have been a boy or a girl...what they would have been like...who they would have looked like...how different my life would have been like. I know things happen for a reason, and things happen the way Heavenly Father has planned for me, but it still doesn't take away the pain and the curiosity I have.  I love all the babies I have carried...no matter if they survived or if they passed away.  I hope I will meet them and be able to wrap my arms around them and tell them how loved they are!

I hate it when I hear about someone going through the pain of the loss of a pregnancy...because I would not wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.  It's a pain I wish no one ever had to feel...something I wish no one ever had to go through.  I don't talk about it much...but this year was my 15 year anniversary and I thought it is time to start.  I will not be silent about it anymore.