Michael

Today is Michael's 16th birthday.  I do not talk about him much...and I really don't know why that is.  But I really think it's about time I do start.  It is part of my healing process.  I know my parents don't like me talking about it, and I pray Michael doesn't mind me talking about this.  But, it is something I have to talk about, for it weighs heavily on my mind all of the time.  I love that boy so much, more than my own life.  I don't know if he knows that or if he even cares how much I love him.  No matter what choices I have made in my life, he is my first born son, he is the first true love of my life, he is the one who taught me what unconditional love is all about.  To him I am eternally grateful!  I am eternally grateful that My dear Heavenly Father gave me the honor of giving him life...and entrusting me I would do right by him no matter how much it hurt me.

I am so proud of the person he is becoming...still needs a bit more shaping, but over all he is turning out GREAT!  I wish he knew just how much I love him...how much I worry about him...he is always on my mind, in my thoughts and prayers.  I want so much for him...but every birthmother wants the best for their child when placing...that is mainly the whole reason for placing.  I have never really wrote his birth story down...and figured better late than never.  It is a good labor and delivery story!  :)

My story starts in August of 1995...I was 17 and living life...I was about to start my senior year in high school with no care in the world.  I didn't have a boyfriend, I had a friend who came to visit me after I got my tonsils out.  While he was visiting events happened which lead me to get pregnant.  I was in such denial about the possibility that I could be pregnant.  My sister was pregnant, she was at the end of her pregnancy and wanted me in the labor room.  In the mean time I kept hoping and praying that my period would come!  My dad became bishop of the single adult ward and I was terrified about how this was going to look on my family.

October 2, 2005 my sweet nephew was born...yes I was there in the room while my sister delivered.  She had the most difficult delivery I had seen...well, it was the first one ever I had seen.  Seeing that terrified me even more about the possibility that I could be pregnant.  After seeing that I never wanted to have a baby!

As the days went by I knew more and more that my period wasn't going to come.  I broke down and had my friend to go with me to buy a pregnancy test...even though I was about 3 months late, I still needed to know for sure through a test.  We came back to my house and I took it, and it came out positive (shocker) I cried on her shoulder.  My worst nightmare came true, I was the pregnant bishop's daughter.  My parents came home I called my dad upstairs.  I had to tell him, but I could not get the words to come out of my mouth.I just threw him the bag with the test in it.  He opened it and looked at it and didn't know what it was, (I don't think he ever saw one before) he asked me and forced me to say it...'I am pregnant dad'.  Then he told me that he was going to have to tell my mom, and I was even more terrified.  She took it better than I thought she would.

We went to the doctor and got in right away because of how long it had been since I had my period.  I got right in, and was told I was about 4 months along, and they told me that it was  a boy.  The doctor was pretty mean to me.  I continued going to school throughout the whole pregnancy.

I considered adoption outside of the family, I went to Family Services in the beginning the birthfather was all for adoption because he didn't want to take care of another baby.  I looked at some profiles and this one particular time my mom was with me...at the end of the appointment we went to the bathroom, and we looked at each other and she said to me, this doesn't feel right to me...and I felt the same way.  It had nothing to do with the fact that this was her grandson it was that the Holy Ghost was there telling us that this plan wasn't right for our family.  But we couldn't figure out why.  I never returned to Family Services again, we went ahead and started making plans to keep him and take him home with us after I had him.

The rest of my pregnancy was pretty uneventful...I had a great pregnancy, no complications, no back pain, no pre term labor.  I was due May 1, 1996.  I went to school April 29, 1996 the next day was a day off.  On April 30th, I remember I woke up about 5 in the morning with funny pains, I wasn't sure what it was...cause I had never felt labor pains before.  My mom was up getting ready for work, I went into the bathroom where she was and told her I didn't think she should go to work that day, because I thought I was going into labor.  She called out of work and stayed by my side.

We started timing the contractions, they were consistent and were coming about every 5 mins, my mom wasn't sure how to handle this because she never had a baby (we are all adopted) so she had no idea what to do.  After my sister got to the house we decided to go to the hospital.  They sent me home.  We went home and waited, I had a doctors appointment that day so we went to that and she said that it was going to be that day.  The doctor said to walk to get my labor going good so I could get admitted to the hospital.  We went to Sears to get the crib because that is one of the things we hadn't gotten yet.  I remember walking around Sears and the contractions were getting really bad...I was trying to hold it in. We went back to the hospital for the 3rd time and this time they said I wasn't dilating past 1cm and I wasn't in labor, even though I was crying.  They gave me a sleeping pill, which knocked me out but I was still in labor.

I screamed through the sleepiness...I never rested.  It seemed like it was endless waves of pain coming and never stopping.  My dad got home from work to the sounds of my painful cries and pleads for drugs to take the pain away...he said this was ridiculous and he was taking me to the hospital and wasn't going to leave until I had the baby!  When we were walking to the car the contractions were so bad when I had one I collapsed.  My dad was yelling at me to get up and walk, I was crying and told him I couldn't help it!  I finally got in the car and me, my dad, my sis, and my mom were off to the hospital with me screaming the whole way.  We were on the freeway the 805 and I had the overwhelming sense to push, I said, 'I have to push.'  And in unison they all yelled, "DON'T PUSH!!!!!!"  I told them I would try my hardest!  I tried breathing...but my body just started naturally pushing.  I couldn't help it!

We make it to the hospital...my sister runs to get me a wheelchair, my mom runs me into the hospital.  Instead of running me into the ER she takes me into the hospital and up 4 floors-in the elevator there was a couple in there who smiled at me and said "aaawwweeee we remember when we were going through that." I wanted to yell at them, but I was concentrating on not screaming in pain, and keeping him in until I got to the doctor.  We get out of the elevator my mom is running me down the hall, I am yelling, "He's coming, he's coming!'  They throw me on a bed, his head is right there.  They broke my water which made it look like it was raining in the room I pushed two times and there was Michael.  He was 7 pounds 0 ounces and 21 inches long.

I had him with no drugs...14.5 hours of pain and labor...but he was and is so worth every bit of the pain I felt when delivering him.  I wouldn't take it back for anything.

Me and my mom shortly after Michael arrived.

This is where my story differs from the rest of the adoption journeys people hear about.  I took Michael home with me, I was his mom, I was feeding him, getting up in the night with him.  I loved him so much!  I bonded with him...he was my little beautiful baby boy!  I went back to school 2 weeks after I gave birth and I graduated from high school with my class...

I raised this baby boy until he was 3 years old.  Throughout the years I slowly began to realize how this amazing baby fit into our family, but didn't want to admit it to anyone.  How could I ever think of doing something after raising this child for 3 years already?  How could I do that to him?  This beautiful little boy who called me mommy, who ran to me when he got hurt...who loved me?  The answers came to me slowly, I wanted him to have what I could not give him by myself.  An eternal family...and I was making choices that were not the best and I wanted to ensure that he was taken care of no matter what...

Our relationship started to evolve into a brother sister relationship when he was about 2 years old.  It was a natural thing...I felt peace with my decision.  I told my parents and it was like everything made sense as to why we all felt so strongly that Michael was supposed to stay in our family.  Heavenly Father gave my mom and dad the opportunity to have a son...

The day Michael was sealed to my parents for time and all eternity.  The day he became my brother instead of son.  My heart gets heavy when I allow myself to think about it too much.  I know that no matter what I did right by him, and made the right choice for him.  

I do not recommend adopting in family for everyone.  It is so hard coming home one day and hearing your child call someone mom and dad...the same people I myself call mom and dad.  The same people he used to call grandma and grandpa.  It hurts still sometimes to this day.  No matter how much I know that the decision was right, it hurts regardless.  

I love you my sweet baby boy!  Always and forever!