My Neighbors Angels

Today while we were helping our neighbor pack up her house to move, I did not realize the impact my daughter made on her.  And, boy, was I in for a shock!

A few months ago, my daughter and her friend came over and asked if they could get brooms and stuff so they could help clean up the neighbor's yard out of the blue.  I looked outside to see if they were outside working and they wanted to help...but as I looked there was no one outside.  So, I was a little apprehensive about giving them permission about cleaning up someone's yard.  Cause what if she didn't want people in her yard when she wasn't there?  Then what if she came home and these two girls are in her yard and she got offended.  But, I shrugged off my apprehension and gave them the stuff and they set forth to clean up the yard with such determination.

There they were two 9 year old girls raking and sweeping up leaves into neat piles...they did as much as they could before dinner and before it got dark.  A few days later they wanted to finish what they had started and so they again and set out to finish.  They did a wonderful job!  And that was that...

Now, today having taken the time to talk to my neighbor she told me the story from her perspective and it blew me away!

She was going through a divorce and was going through a very hard time, trying to get her kids to and from various things, getting a job and everything else.  She couldn't physically do everything either.  She had been getting fines from the HOA for how her yard looked and didn't know what she was going to do, she had been praying all day long about helping her...and when she got home there were neat little piles of leaves that she was able to easily put into the trash.  And the same thing happened a few days later.  She just cried because she was so grateful that "her angels" had been sent to her to help her.

I am so proud that my daughter got the inspiration to help someone in need.  It just tells me that she is close to the spirit and wants to do good in life and she wants to help anyone she can!  She truly wants to serve others and that brings joy to my heart.  Maybe, just maybe I am doing a good job in raising my daughter to want to serve her Heavenly Father and others.  :)

16 Years

On the 16th it was 16 years since I lost my baby...and it still seems like yesterday sometimes.  The ache is still there, no matter how much time has gone by.  I often catch myself wondering of if the baby would have been a boy or a girl...what he/she would have looked like...who he/she would have acted like.

A week before my first appointment to check on the baby I remember having the worst nightmare of my life.  I remember the dream being so real that I felt I was actually there, I could touch, feel, taste...it was so incredibly real!  I dreamt that I went into labor and had a baby girl, I held her and kissed her...then all of a sudden the doctor came in and told me she had passed away.  I cried from the depths of my soul they had to rip her out of my arms.  I woke up crying from that dream, it seemed so real!  I shook it off just thinking, "I'm just nervous and stressed about everything."  Little did I know what was yet to come...

I was excited my best friend just had her baby boy, I was getting married on the 18th, and I was going in for my first appointment and I was going to be able to hear the heart beat for the first time!  I was happy!  I went in on the 16th in the morning...did all the usual fun things.  And then came the time I was looking forward to the most!  Hearing the hear beat!  She was searching and searching for what seemed like for ever.  And no luck.  She nervously looked at me and smiled at me trying to reassure me that everything was ok.  She told me that she wanted me to go to the hospital for a sonogram to check if there was a heart beat...I remember thinking what do you mean IF!!!!!  She said that because I was so early that was probably the reason she couldn't get the heart beat on her thing.  So I tried not to panic.

I went back to the house and picked up my soon to be husband and we went off to the hospital.  We went back into the sonogram room and I laid down on the table, and as soon as they put my baby on the screen I knew...a mothers worst fear...a mother's worst night mare...a little baby lifeless...no beating heart...not moving...nothing.  It was just there.

I sobbed and cried from the depths of my soul!  I wanted my baby!  And what did I do to not get my baby!  It wasn't fair!  I was getting married and we were all going to be a family and we were going to be ok!  I was scheduled for a D&C later that day.  I cried so much on the way home...I couldn't stop the tears!  They just kept coming!  Knowing that in a few hours the doctors were going to take my baby from my body...just killed me.  I didn't care if my baby was alive or not I didn't want them taking it!  I cried in my soon to be hubby's arms...fell asleep and woke up and cried some more.

What a horrible feeling going into that hospital that night...I had a baby in my womb.  And just like that there was no more baby.  I woke up from the surgery crying for my baby...no one could calm me down...I was uncontrollable my body shook with the sobs, my soul was in the darkest place of despair, I literally felt as though I didn't want to go on anymore.  I just wanted my baby back, and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. No one could turn back the hands of time, no one could magically say that the baby was alive and I could go home and continue on with my life!  They finally had to sedate me and I fell back into a peaceful slumber.

I was a mess for a long time after that.  I was so angry!  Why was I not good enough to bring forth another child?!  I still have my moments.  But, I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan...and my baby wasn't ready to come down to earth quite yet.  I had to learn patience and not anything is on my time it is always on His time.  And I am ok with that.  But, no matter how ok I am, and how much more I understand I still catch myself wondering what life would have been like if I hadn't lost her.  I know without a shadow of a doubt my baby who I lost was a girl.  I know that dream I had was preparing me for what was to come.  I know now, when I do have dreams like those to take them seriously and ponder them and learn from them.

Even throughout all the heartache I am grateful for my life and all of its challenges.  It has taught me so much and has made me the person I am today.  I am a strong person...I will not break.  I keep getting stronger and my love for my Heavenly Father just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I pray I will get to meet that sweet spirit that I couldn't carry to term...who knows maybe I already have...oh-the mysteries of the Lords plan!  :)

My Journey to the Temple...

Growing up in the church you sing the song; I love to see the temple...I NEVER thought I would be going there for myself.  With the way I lived my life, I never thought I would be able to get it together to get there.  I always wanted to go there...but never thought I was special enough...never thought I was good enough to go.  It has taken me 35 years to realize that I don't have to be perfect to get there...I have to do my best...live righteously and want to do good in everything I do and in my life, I can get there!

 1. I love to see the temple.

I’m going there someday

To feel the Holy Spirit,

To listen and to pray.

For the temple is a house of God,

A place of love and beauty.

I’ll prepare myself while I am young;

This is my sacred duty.

2. I love to see the temple.

I’ll go inside someday.

I’ll cov’nant with my Father;

I’ll promise to obey.

For the temple is a holy place

Where we are sealed together.

As a child of God, I’ve learned this truth:

A fam’ly is forever.

While I didn't prepare myself while I was young...I did have the desire to go there one day...and I finally made it!  I finally had a Bishop who believed in me!  I had my parents who also believed in me!  I always had the desire deep in my heart...

The reason why it took me so long to get there was because I knew what a serious commitment it was to go there, and I didn't want to mess it up.  I didn't want to go there and go back to my old ways...I wanted to make sure I was 100% ready to make that commitment and live the way I needed to in order to enter the Lords house.  

Getting to this point wasn't easy.  There was a lot of 2 steps forward and 5 steps back, and so on and so on...but the journey was worth it!  I am here and I am happy!

When I first met with the Bishop about taking the Temple prep classes I told him I wanted to go slow because I knew how serious this was and I was taking it very seriously.  So, he set up the lessons with an awesome couple in my ward and we were doing one lesson a week...after the first 2 weeks and lessons I had a feeling I needed to speed up the process.  So, that is what we did.  We started doing 2 lessons a week.  

I felt my testimony grow in ways I never thought possible...I felt peace in my heart I never thought possible.  I felt my parents being proud of my like never before.  I was and still am experiencing things I have never before!  And it is amazing!  I wish I had come to this realization sooner, but I know I had to go through what I did for a reason, for whatever that reason is I don't know!  

Now, the week before I went to the temple I started to feel anger...I was so angry at everything and everyone for no reason.  I couldn't figure it out for the life of me why I was so angry.  And, it wasn't just a irritable anger, it was a blood boiling don't talk to me anger.  I remember talking to the Bishop about it and he told me that it was Satan trying to get me not to go to the temple and to do something stupid...to try and stay strong and keep praying. I remember going home thinking in my head that nothing was going to get in my way of going to the temple so Satan could try all he wanted but he wasn't going to win...he took up enough of my life and enough was enough!  I was in control and I was not going to let him mess it up for me.

The day came for me to go...and things went smooth.  I got up got ready and we got there on time.  I was nervous...I kept thinking I was going to do something stupid and fall or fumble...just nervous.  But, in the parking lot my mom said she never thought she would see the day that I would go to the temple.  She had such a smile on her face...I have never seen her smile like that, she glowed she absolutely glowed.  

Here I am on the way to the temple:

It was an amazing experience.  I was so ready to be there...everything seemed so natural and because everything seemed natural is how I knew I was ready.  Once I was there I felt as though I was home.  I felt such peace in my heart...and sadness at the same time.  Sadness because it took me 35 years to get there...and how many blessings I had been missing out on, how much peace I had been missing out on in my life.  How much pain and agony I could have saved myself, how much love and comfort I could have felt.  Like the Bishop told me, he doesn't know how I have gone this long without the temple in my life, and now that I have been twice I don't know how I went without it either.  I have been missing out!  

I am hungry to go as much as I can!  I am anxious for the Gilbert temple to open its doors so I can go often.  I hope to be a good example to my kids so they see the love that I have for the temple that they will have the same love for it and have the desire to go there too.  

Here I am after I went through:

I feel like a changed woman!  For the better!  I love the temple just like the primary song says!  I finally went there...next stop is getting my celestial mate!  :)