There are so many things I am feeling right now, I am not totally sure where to begin...
There are times when one feels totally content with their life, and other times when one feels there is something missing...but cannot quite put their finger on what it is. I am finding my self swinging from one feeling to another often! It is so frustrating because I do not want to feel like this. The only part I want to feel is the content part.
When does the feeling of something is missing go away? I thought this feeling should be gone by now! I do not want to deal with this and I do not want others to feel that I am feeling this way! Having said that, is it better to communicate these feelings to others, or is it better to keep them to yourself? I guess by me blogging about it on here I am not keeping those feelings to myself. I want to know what would be the right thing to do. What makes it easier on me, and others?
I do not want to burden others with my feelings and I do not want to make anyone feel guilty for the way that I feel sometimes. I think it is natural to feel the way I do, but I know there is a right way and a wrong way to deal with these types of feelings and thoughts. I made my decision long ago and now I have to deal with the consequences and part of those consequences are the thoughts and feelings that haunt me to this day.
A big part of me feels like I just need to get over it and not think about it anymore. I feel like no one cares or wants to hear about it...so why talk about it or express my thoughts and feelings about it? I think a lot of the reason why I am feeling like this is because I never dealt with the feelings I had back when it happened. I buried it and thought to myself I had nothing to be sad about. I came home and acted like everything was fine, when in fact everything wasn't fine! I had just gone through the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through. It was more traumatic than being raped.
Maybe if I let myself think about it too much or feel it too much I would not have survived the pain and mourning that goes along with it. I think Heavenly Father knew I wouldn't be able to handle these intense emotions until I found others who I could turn to and know they knew exactly how I was feeling. I thank my Heavenly Father for guiding my path to the wonderful girls I met at birthmother group. I am starting to remember things I had buried and never dealt with. And because I didn't deal with these feelings I think it is part of why I made some of the poor choices I made.
Dealing with the grief is so important! I cannot stress that enough! You may think everything is fine and you can deal with it by not thinking about it...but let me say this. It will come up. There will come a day where these intense feelings well up inside you. You will be sitting there thinking/wondering where did they come from! They come from not dealing with them at the time of the event! They come from not acknowledging them at the time...they come from letting people make light of what you did. Or from letting people act like it never happened...and act like you should go on with your life as though it never happened. These are wrong! It may not hit you a month from when the event happened...it may be 10 years, 30 years later! But, trust me these feelings will come back with a vengeance at some point. Be ready to deal with them.
When you do feeling them do not hesitate to fall to your knees and ask for the strength to get through it. Ask for the gift of having support to get you through it. Search out support, it is out there you just have to try and find it. Don't be ashamed of feeling the grief...do not feel guilty for feeling grief. Yes, you did an amazing thing and it brings comfort somewhat...but it's ok to feel sad, mad, loss, heartbroken, bitter, jealous...it is normal!!!!!!! You are normal! I promise!
I also promise that when you do deal with these thoughts and feelings head on you will have a healthier thought process and a more productive future!
I love all of our birthmom's! Even the one's I have not had the honor of meeting yet. I also have a great love for all of the adoptive couples out there! How my heart goes out to each and everyone of you! I pray that everyone finds their happiness and things fall into place as you want them too. I love the saying, "I never said it would be easy, I just promise it will be worth it!" How true this is whether you are a birthparent or an adoptive couple! No path is easy...each struggles greatly on both ends! But in the end it is worth it!
I love you all!
0 comments:
Post a Comment