??

Oh my goodness this last month has been hard!  Actually this last 3 months have been hard on me.  So many different elements to the equation as to the answer, it's not a simple one either.

I don't know where to begin to be honest, it seems like a dream to be truthful...it seems to be a nightmare more than anything else in the whole entire world.

To be honest I don't know if I should run away or to stand and "tough it out" I know that I should and it would be the grown up thing to do is "tough it out" as best as I can.  But, I don't want to!  I am tired!  I feel like since I was young this has always been the case for me.  As soon as I get comfortable then I get thrown a curve ball, and I don't like it!  

I work so hard, I worked so hard and I feel like I am just discarded like a piece of trash...like oh-I am done using you now you can leave my presence and don't come back until you are summoned again.

It almost feels like a piece of trash.  My confidence was building, and now it has been torn down again...I am on shaky ground and am not sure where to step or where to walk.  Where to turn or where to duck and hide.  Who is lurking around the corner, or who is behind me ready to stab my in the back.  

Everyday it seems I have tears in my eyes, pain in my back...a heavy heart and a contrite spirit.  I don't know why or what the purpose of this is, and what my purpose is anymore.  I feel like I am waisting everyone's time.

I know this is dumb...but this is how I am feeling.  I am overwhelmed with sadness all of the time...I am overwhelmed with anger and resentment at the same time.  

How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  Why?  What did I do wrong? Maybe I am not the image they want...maybe it would be better if I were to crawl into a hole and stay there.  My confidence has been rocked back down to zero and I feel like I am 12 all over again.  The outsider looking in like always.  I guess some things will never change.  Story of my life. 

I can literally feel my heart hardening and I know that's not good.  I know I need to pray to God and let him help me!  But I don't know if he can help me love my situation.

Only time will tell, so the saying goes.  I guess we shall see.