People think that it's so easy to live with depression or some other mental disorder...well, let me be the first to tell you IT'S NOT!!!! Every day it's a battle. Will I wake up in a good mood or in a bad mood...will I stay in bed all day long or will I get up and do something productive...when I say productive I mean get up and take a shower and doing everyday stuff. For the people who suffer from it it's always a constant battle to keep your attitude in check, not to hurt anyone's feelings, not to do anything stupid that will hurt the one's that love you. It's always a raging war that goes on inside your head, and it's a coin toss as to which side is going to win. It's a scary disease and I wouldn't wish this on my own worst enemy. I don't know why this exists...sometimes I get angry at God for creating me this way. I feel like I did something wrong to have been born like this. I know that sounds crazy, but these are some of the thoughts that go through my head at a constant rate. Sometimes my mind spins round and round at a 100 mph not able to think or focus at one thing at a time...not able to see what is going on around me. It's like when you're on those tire swings and you spin yourself round and round till you are so dizzy you can't stand up straight or think straight...that's what it feels like to me. I hate the way I feel majority of the time. I want this to go away and I don't know how to make it or help it go away. It's a constant plague of despair and feelings of hopelessness and the feelings of never being able to do anything right. It's a dark feeling. I don't know what to do with myself, but sit here and wonder about my next step...and what it's going to be. When people look at me from the outside they see one who can crack jokes and hold a conversation, but what they don't know is that I am cringing on the inside and want to curl up in an isolated place where no one can hear or see me. I don't want people to see the real me. I have gone so long pushing people away from the ugly side of me, I don't know how to let anyone get close to me. What people know about me is what I want them to know and that's just the outer shell of me. I don't think anyone will ever penetrate that shell again after what's happened to me. I will never let anyone get that close to me while my defenses are down. I will always have my guard up no matter what.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
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I have suffered from depression since childhood. I understand what you are feeling. You are not alone. I have come to a point in my life where I no longer have constant depression. It has taken much time and work to get to this point. It is possible.
My little sister once told me that if I read scriptures daily it would help me feel the love of God and it would help with the depression. I testify that it works. I know it is hard. I know that once you get to this state it is so very difficult to do the things that will help. I promise that if you eat a healthy diet (lots of fruits and vegetables), exercise (even if it is just walking), and read scriptures and pray every single day that you will have some improvements. They may be small, but they will come. Please come for support more often on the FB page. All of your BTG sisters are there and want to support you. We love you. Contact with others is hugely important. At my worst times I forced myself to be around others. I probably wasn't much fun, but it did help me. I am here for you.
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