Can't do it anymore

My head is spinning round and round with all the many possibilities of what my life may hand me...I feel like I am always coming in second place.  I am never going to be first...just a person someone or anyone for that matter feels like they can walk all over like a door matt.  I feel as though I am slipping again...and that scares the hell out of me.  I know there are things that I can do to get myself out of it...but I do not have the desire to do them.  And that is what it comes down to most of all, desire!  I know that I am letting Satan win and take me under.  I feel as if I have no more fight left inside of me...no matter how I pray I do not feel anything.  I don't know what I am doing wrong.  I don't know how much more I can take of this.  I do not feel anything so I have stopped praying.  I feel like I have nothing to say to begin with, so why should I pray.  And if I do pray it will be about the same thing, and how boring for Him to hear about.  I know I am the one that is closing the door, I know how this works, I am not a dummy.  Maybe when the time is right I will come back...this illness that I have maybe be hindering the feelings I could be feeling when I pray or ponder or search the holy scriptures.  I don't know why, or what is going on with me.  I know I am sick and tired of feeling like this...sometimes I wish I could sleep forever.  Sometimes I wish I could wake up and be completely normal.  I wish for so many things.  I wonder why I was born the way I was...I am angry about it.  I am angry about what happened to me, I am angry about having PTSD, because I don't know how to deal with all of this.  I don't know if I want to.  I wish I could crawl under a rock and never come out of it...maybe wait for it to pass and go away.  I am over this, these feelings, these appointments, these sleepless nights...I am just so tired...I want peace to come into my soul, so I can become content with my life.  I cannot change anything and I need to accept that.  It's hard to grasp that concept, because right now it seems impossible that will ever happen.  I am tired...I am going to sleep...