I want

Images flash before my eyes like horrible pictures you would see in a horror movie...

I cannot keep them out of my mind no matter what I try...

They come at the most inopportune times and I end up just wanting to curl up in a ball and cry...

I have these flashes at the store, or when I am talking to someone...this I cannot deny...

I wish I could rewind the time and listen to that voice telling me not to go...

I wish I wasn't plagued with these memories that haunt me for what seems to be forever...

I don't know what to do...

My head is spinning round and round from all the ways the memories come at me over and over...

I want to be numb to all of this...I know that is not healthy...but it's what I want

I don't want to think about things...I don't have control of what I think about sometimes...

I wish I were in control of everything in my life...I had everything together...it's what I want

Why can't I just turn it off like a light switch?  When will that time come?

I wish I were by the ocean so I could feel the soft wind on my face and softly blowing in my hair...

I want to sit and stare into the deep dark sea...contemplate every choice I have made in my life...

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would really care what pain is in my heart...

Sometimes I wish I had a different kind of life...

Although I know I need to be grateful for the life that I have...and for all the blessings I have...

It's hard for me to feel that my life would be completely different without the challenges I have had.

I am so tired...I just need a break...why can't I have a break?!  I am tired of these challenges that I have!

What did I do that was so bad?

I pray that God will start to ease my pain...I pray that He will start to put my heart back together once again...

Or at least I hope so.