My heart is aching right now. I thought that after 9 years it wouldn't ache so much. But, it does. It doesn't ache like this all of the time, just some times. It feels like it did the day I had my little baby girl 9 years ago. It some times feels like it did the day I said good-bye to her. It feels like the time has gone by slow, and other times it feels as though it has gone by fast. It's a bit of a bipolar feeling. The whole adoption thing is a bit bipolar. Mixed feelings all at once...strong feelings coming at you all at once. One moment you feel one way and the next moment you feel the complete opposite. Like someone said this whole process is like the happiest sad. You are so happy that you did something good for your kid, but sad at the same time because you couldn't do it for your kid yourself. You are happy that you chose a better life for them, but sad because you realize you are not the right choice for your child.
I don't think us birthmothers ever "get over it" as many people think we should do. We carried our babies under our hearts for 9 months, went through the pain of child birth, held our babies in our arms for the days they were ours, and only ours. Then the day comes when we place our babies into the arms of their mother and part ways...some part ways for years...others not so long.
I am so grateful for the awesome option of open adoptions! I think I would have gone crazy not knowing how my sweet angel was doing over the years...or what she looked like...or what kind of personality she has! What a beautiful gift and privilege it has been to be able to be apart of her life. In the beginning of my adoption journey I did not think I would want it to be as open as it is now, I viewed adoption more from the "old school" view point.
It brings great comfort to my soul knowing that my baby girl knows who I am, what I look like has letters from me telling her how much I love her...she will always know where she can find me. But even knowing all of that doesn't ease the pain some times.
Some times I close my eyes and I can see it so clearly as if it just happened yesterday. The feelings of that day and the days that led up to it feel so fresh. It is true with time the feelings ease and you don't think about that as much...but, they never go away. They always creep up once and awhile. It doesn't ever make me regret my choice in placing her, it just makes me human and it means I love her more than my own life and wants. She will always be in my heart...I will always love her...and that will never change.
Love,
Mama Trisha
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