Feelings...

As I sit here on this windy gloomy day I can't help but feel sad and blue. My thoughts run away to 9 years ago, when I was still pregnant with my Isabella when she was still all mine...100% mine and no one else's. I hate the fact that it has been 9 years since I have seen her beautiful face! I hate the fact that I don't know what her voice sounds like. I hate the fact that it has been 9 years since I have kissed her sweet face and held her in my arms close to my heart. For 9 months I carried her under my heart, and now I carry her in my thoughts. I wear a ring with her birthstone on it to keep her close to me and in my daily life in some way. I miss her so much, it is hard for me to not miss her. I thought as the years went by it would get easier...but it doesn't. The hole in my heart is still there...the longing to see her is there more than ever...the ache to hold her in my arms is still there more than ever. I hate this! I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy for her and not feel a little envious that I am not apart of her life. I feel like a stranger looking in from the outside, almost as if I am intruding. I don't know if other birthmothers feels like that, but that is how I feel. I want the best for her, but at the same time I want to be selfish and see her. But I don't think that would be best for her. I cannot help but be jealous of the way adoption is now. How open it is...how the families on both sides are so open and loving. I hate the way I feel! Does this make me a bad person? I do not know the answers to these questions that linger in my mind constantly. I don't feel like I am totally here in the present for my children, and I know that it's not fair to them. Does that mean I love her more than I love my kids? I don't know...I just don't know. These thoughts damn these thoughts that plague my mind!