Testament

Since Isabella's birthday is coming up on Saturday, I thought it appropriate to blog.  She will be 12!!!!  Can you believe that?  I cannot!  It is hard to believe that it has been 12 years since everything has happened.  And let me tell you, what a crazy ride that was!  

But, as I have been reflecting back on the last 12 years I have come to realize something...and it's something big.  I think I have realized this because I have gone through the temple and my eyes have been open, my heart and soul have been open to the spirit of my sweet Heavenly Father and the messages He has for me.  I feel so in touch, more so than ever.  I know sometimes, more than some I don't act like it...but I do feel a huge connection!  I cannot explain it!

I guess you're wondering what it is I have been reflecting on...I have been reflecting on the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ.  I have always wondered how I got through all the craziness I had to get through 12 years ago in one piece, and it finally hit me a month ago.  My testimony has grown leaps and bounds...it is unfaltering...it is unwavering.  No one can shake it.  Let me tell you why!

12 years ago I found myself in the unfortunate situation of being pregnant...not only pregnant but with someone who was not the best person in the world.  I did not have the best taste in men back then at all!  It was as bad as you could get.  He was the kind of person who chose to make choices to hurt others...in a bad way.  In any normal circumstance I would have let myself been bullied or intimidated into doing what they (him and his family) wanted me to do.  But, because of the atonement it gave me the strength where I didn't have it...it gave me the strength to stand up for myself and what I believed what was right for my unborn child.  I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant adoption was the only option.  

Through the coming months of getting to know them I knew that there was no way that it was possible of raising this sweet little girl in peace and harmony.  They wanted things their way, and they could care less of how I wanted it or what I felt or thought.  The atonement came in again in giving me strength in giving me the thought of calling another agency asking and pleading for a solution...there was none.

Shortly after New Years my answer came, the fear for my life came and I had to flea the state I was living in.  The atonement came through so strong...the baby girl I was carrying helped me...her spirit was and is so incredibly strong.  She helped comfort me, guide me, and bring peace unto me.  The atonement carried me through too...gave me the strength to stand up and leave the state I was living in...my parents...my friends...everything I knew.  It gave me courage when I had none...it gave me peace when I had nothing but contention and turmoil in my heart and mind...it gave me strength to make sure my baby girl got to her eternal parents.

I knew I was just the vessel needed to get her here on earth for her parents.

Getting on that plane not knowing if my mom was going to be there for the delivery of the baby or signing of the papers was one of the most scariest, saddest, heart breaking moments of my life.  It is not a good feeling to get on a plane of uncertainty.  But once again the Lord carried me through, gave me the best host family I could have asked for!  I don't know what I would have done without them.  They welcomed me into their home with open arms and accepted me into their family as their own.  They took me to all their family functions, and always made sure I had everything I needed.  

Thinking I was going to have to go through this whole process alone I was so scared...I mean how do you plan to have your parents come out before the baby comes just so you won't be alone...just so you won't have to go through it alone...just so you won't have to go through it without your mom!  It's hard when you're across the country!  What if she decided to come early?  What if something bad happened?  There was all these what if's!  And there's where the Atonement stepped in again!  Giving me the comfort that all would be well...all would end well...and all would go according to plan.

The Atonement is real!!!  The Atonement will carry you when you come up short!  The Atonement will give you such an amazing amount of courage to do amazing things!  The Atonement will bring your heart, and mind such amazing peace.  You have to trust in Him.  I cannot tell you how much it is true, for without it I could not and would not have made it through any of that ordeal!  I still cannot believe I made it though whole...

I know that with the Atonement the adoption went through.  I know that Heavenly Father knew that this was the right thing, He protect this child and made it possible for her to get to her eternal home!  I am grateful that I was in tuned enough to listen to the still small voice and do His will for the sake of His child.

I love my Heavenly Father...I love my Savior Jesus Christ.  I am thankful for the atonement and I don't know what I would do without it!  It has carried me through so much...not just this, but so much more!  It is true!  Have faith!  Faith isn't always about what you can see...it's about what you feel and what are able to do with your faith.