Random

This last few weeks have been upsetting for me in many ways. I cannot put into words that can describe what I have been feeling or experiencing. Many different things have happened, some exciting, some happy, some sad, and some stressful. My heart has been conflicted with a lot. I think that I should not be conflicted and that I should be the happiest girl in the world, and yet I sit here with a heavy heart and with the feeling of the weight of the world on her shoulders. It is getting unbearable...I guess I should try and start at the beginning so people won't be real confused as to what I am talking about or what/who I am referring to.

I was born May 4, 1978 in Granada Hills, California. I was given up for adoption, I was placed with my parents when I was about 2 1/2 months old. I was raised with my parents and always knowing that I was adopted. I was fine with the whole being adopted thing...but I always had a curiosity of who the woman was that gave birth to me. I always wondered if she thought about me throughout the years...Every birthday that passed I wondered if she thought about me, or if she forgot about me and pretended that I never existed. I often wondered if I had sisters and brothers...I wondered a lot. I think it really bothered my parents that I wanted to know where I came from, and that I wondered a lot about her...my birthmother.

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My adoption was finalized in 1979, and we were sealed for time and all eternity. I had a happy childhood...As I got older I started to battle with depression. The battle got ugly and it almost won. I have come out triumphant and I am hoping it will stay that way FOREVER! It makes me shudder to think back to when I was feeling so alone lost and dark. I still cannot believe that I was so depressed...the doctors say it is a chemical imbalance, I will have to take medicine for this for the rest of my life. It took me 28 years to figure that out. I don't know why I am so hard headed, I probably would have saved myself from some very painful events that I went through...and some painful things my family experienced because of me.

When I was 17 I came up pregnant, I was so scared to tell anyone, by the time I did say something I was already about 4 months pregnant. I remember that whole experience was horrible. The doctor who examined me was such a mean person...I remember say that something hurt, and she replied that if I thought that hurt just wait till something the size of a bowling ball comes out of me.

On April 30, 1996 at about 5:30am I woke up with pain...I told my mom she better stay home because I was feeling funny. We went to the hospital and they told me I was only 1 cm dialated and to go home. I stayed home and the pain got worse, we went to the hospital again and they sent me home again. I had a doctors appointment I went to that and she said that I was in labor, I remember going to Sears with my mom and my sister in labor because we still needed a crib, and they told me to walk. It was hard to keep quiet in the store, by that time the pain was getting intense...I had been in labor for about 5 hours. I went to the hospital again and this time they gave me a sleeping pill! I went home and was screaming in my sleep...nothing I did helped. I got into the shower didn't help...tried laying down that didn't help...walking sure didn't help....so I just sat up on the bed and screamed and cried all day. The neighbors could hear me, not to mention there was a crew of guys working on the house all day hearing me scream and yell. Finally my dad got home from work and said that's it we are going to the hospital and we are not going to leave. We were getting into the car and I collapsed on the side walk...my dad started yelling at me to get up...he had never been through this so he didn't know what was going to happen he just knew that he had to get me to the hospital. We were driving on the freeway...now mind you the hospital was about 45 mins away, I was in the back seat panting and moaning in so much pain. I remember all of a sudden feeling such an urgency to push...I said that out loud and everyone in the car yelled at me telling me not to push! I was trying so hard to not push but my body started doing it on it's own. We finally got there my parents got me into a wheel chair and my mom instead of taking me to the ER she wheeled me into the hospital and into the elevator up 4 floors to labor and delivery! There was a couple in the elevator looking at me saying aaawwww I remember when we were like that! I wanted to slap them...I was trying very hard to stay quiet. We got out of the elevator and my mom started running down the hall, I was yelling he's coming, he's coming! They threw me on a table, and popped my water and he came out in 2 pushes! I could not believe I had just given birth...while still in high school! At the time I had him I didn't know that my parents were going to adopt him, I was planning on parenting him...and I did for 2 years...

Well...until next time...I will tell you another story...stay safe and God bless!