My Sweet Isabella...

On February 22 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! Her name is Isabella. She is my angel straight from Heaven! I feel so privileged to have been the one who gave her life, and ensured her safe arrival to her parents arms. I was looking through my old journal trying to refresh my mind of all the events that led up to the adoption...so here it is. I was going to summer school at the community college, I met a guy named Davin, I should have known to stay away from him, but I didn't listen to my mind. I was hurt, I just got out of a relationship with a guy who I loved and wanted to marry, but that didn't work out. I was angry and met Davin and started seeing him. In July of 2001 I found out I was pregnant, I cried...see I was going to join the Air Force and try to do something with my life...well, you can't join the Air Force being pregnant. I wrote in my journal on August 14, 2001 "As for the child that I am carrying I am giving it up for adoption, I cannot take care of a kid right now. The child doesn't even have a stable father around. Who know where he is..." On August 30, 2001 "I think about this poor unborn child, and feel so guilty about it. What did I do?! I worry that my unborn child is going to grop up to hate me, because I could not keep him/her. I think sometimes my reasons for giving up this child is selfish. But, I tried it once on my own and it didn't work. Thank God for my parents. I just don't understand why I let myself get into these messes. I feel like I am 17 all over again. It makes me sad that this is happening, but maybe God knows what is best, and maybe he knew I would give this one up. This is by far the hardest thing I will ever do. I don't know how I am going to do this and get through this in one piece. Sometimes I feel like willing my body to die." I wrote on November 9, 2001 12:03am "Things are so difficult right now. I don't know how I feel anymore. I feel like nothing is my own, not even my own feelings, and it doesn't matter what I want. I just don't feel like my life is my life, I have no control in anything that happens to me. How much more pain, anguish, and heartache will I have to endure? I feel like my life is spirialing out of control into the depths of the sea. Not even one of my friends understands what I am going through. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I don't have any desire to talk to anyone anymore. I am just sick and tired of everyone acting like everything I am going through is no big deal. My whole life has been turned upside down, and I don't know if it will ever be right again. I am so angry at Davin and his mother, words cannot describe how angry I am. I feel like they are in complete control of my life. On October 15, 2001 I got a phone call from Davin saying that there was no way that he was going to sign adoption papers. The LDS Social workers were there and that didn't help. So I told him that I wouldn't fight, even though I didn't feel good about agreeing to that. Then his mother called me cause she wants me to go to her house to meet the family, so I went to see what I am getting myself into. So, on October 24, 2001 I went in for a sonogram to see if we could tell if the baby was a boy or a girl, she called me to see if I knew what the sex of the baby is. I couldn't understand why she was calling and he wasn't, when he was standing right next to her!!!! The night of dinner they were telling me that the baby will have his last name, and if I didn't give the baby his last name he would take me to court and sue me. They told me that the reason I was wanting to give my baby up for adoption was because she had some black in her and I was racist. When we all were sitting around the table it was like she was making all of the decisions...and then he left me there alone with all of them. Then they brought up what names I was thinking about and when I said some they were like nope...I felt like I had no say in what the child's name was going to be. She told me that the baby would be baptized in the catholic religion and then I can do whatever us mormon people do. I have decided to fight for what I know is right for this baby and not for anyone else. It's not fait to put this child into a greedy selfish persons life." November 19, 2001 "I am so pissed off lately. I am mad because someone is making me leave my home and go across the united States because they are being selfish. But I know that this is the right thing to do for my baby. I cannot give my baby what it needs, I wish I were in a different situation, that it was a happy one. Bt it's not because it's just not and I cannot think of myself at all. I feel like I am having a baby with Davin's mother instead of him, she calls all the time and it is irritating! I don't want to deal with the look of disappointment on my baby's face with it's father doesn't show up to see him/her. I have too much love for my child to put him/her through that. I want my child to not have to worry about money, clothes, or money for college. My only hope is that he/she will truly understand my love for him/her and will not hate me. I think through all of my other trials and tribulations this is by far the hardest one I have ever come across. Even though I am curious about my birth parents I am grateful my birthmother had enough love to give me up for adoption. I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do, and I am not willing to gamble with my child's life. I wish I could talk to someone who has gone through this already. I am so lonely. I am 6 1/2 months pregnant, and am so uncomfortable, and mostly lonely!"

December 23, 2001 "In January I will be going to Utah to have my baby so I can put her up for adoption. I want to do the right thing for this child and I am not it! On December 5th I found out that I am having a baby girl. It makes it a little harder but I am not going to back down from my decision. I am stressing a little because I am going to have to do this all by myself."

December 26, 2001 "Davin's mom called me today and asked if I had spoken to Davin, I told her no. She then told me that Davin's 1/2 brother was murdered a couple of days before Christmas. I felt bad for Davin, but also scared because what kind of family did I get involved in. She told me that he had gotten another girl pregnant and she wanted to get an abortion because of how Davin is., the same reason's why I want to give my baby up for adoption! Davin's mother informed me that the baby has an appointment at her house for Easter. She didn't ask me, she simply told me. I thought that was kind of rude."

In January of 2002 Davin told me that he had a restraining order out on him, he had to go to jail for fighting with someone he had a "beef" with, and he was high and drunk all of the time. He also told me that he and his other friends and brothers went out and found the guy who killed his half brother and got revenge. After he told me that I knew I had to get my baby as far away from him as I could! I contacted the Salt Lake City agency to see what other options I had, and it dawned on me to move there to have my baby so I had a fighting chance to get her to where she was supposed to go! The social worker from Salt Lake City sent me 4 different profiles, just the letters and the physical descriptions and nothing else. I read through 3 of them and didn't feel anything...I got to the fourth profile and started reading and the baby just started kicking me and she just became alive! I felt such a peacefulness come over me, and I knew that they were the one's! I didn't want to look at anyone else! I called my social worker that night and told her that Shane and Jennifer were the one's I wanted. She then told me that it had been an accident that their profile got in there, because another birthmother was looking at them already! I was thinking to myself that it wasn't fair! I knew that my baby was supposed to go to them and someone was going to steal them away!

On January 21, 2002 I got onto a plane and flew to Salt Lake City to live with people I never met before in my life, and not knowing if I was really going to be able to place my baby girl with Shane and Jennifer. I had to have great faith that everything would turn out the way it was supposed to be.

I found out that the birthmother chose to go with another couple which made me very happy! I wanted Lorna to send them a sonogram picture and write congratulations it's a girl on the back of it.

February 2, 2002 "On February 15th I am meeting the people who are going to adopt my baby girl. I am so scared that they aren't going to like me. What if they don't want my baby. They take one look at me and walk out. I would be devestated. Everyone tells me not to be scared, but it's hard. I have no idea what to expect or what they expect. It's almost hard to believe that this whole thing is almost over. This whole 9 months is almost over, I will go back to Maryland and will never see the baby I have been carrying for the rest of my life maybe. It's almost a relief that is is almost over, but at the same time sad. But it is all worth it, to protect her from Davin and his mother!"

The doctor agreed to induce my labor on February 22, 2002 so that my parents are able to be there for the delivery and placement. Which is a relief...because I thought I was going to have to do this by myself.

The day I met Shane and Jennifer I felt as though I could not get out of the car. My legs were shaking so bad, and was shivering with fear. I almost couldn't get out of the car! But I did, and as soon as I saw them and hugged them everything felt comfortable and like I had known them forever. It was such a wonderful experience, and it kind of made me feel good that she was shaking as much as I was! We talked about names, and they were thinking about naming her Austin Belle...I told them when I was thinking I had to keep her I was thinking about the name Isabella, and then they still could have the Belle...

My parents and Michael came to Salt Lake City on February 21, 2002. Michael got sick and threw up all over the ground! It was so good to see them! I was so excited! The people I had been staying with let them stay at their house too. The next morning me, my mom, and Narda got up early to go to the hospital to start the induction. I wanted my parents to meet Shane and Jennifer before the baby was born. So while I was in labor they were getting to know each other, it sounded like a party in my room, and filled with such love! I was trying to do the whole thing with no epidural, but I started crying, and Jennifer said it's ok if you get an epidural we don't want you to be in pain! So I reluctantly agreed to get one. Shortly after she was born! A beautiful baby girl was born, and it was the most peaceful and spiritual feeling in that room...I have never felt that feeling in my life. I wanted so badly for Shane and Jennifer to come and see her but the social worker said no, this was my time with the baby and I needed to cherish it. So I asked her if she would tell them that she was born and that she is healthy.

I spent the next 2 days with my sweet baby girl! She was never put down once the whole time. I didn't sleep either. I didn't want to miss a minute of looking at her. Signing my rights away was hard...but easy at the same time...because I knew that it was going to make it hard for Davin to get his hands on my sweet baby girl! I started calling her Isabella...I didn't know what Shane and Jennifer were going to name her...I had to call her something. When they came for her they told me that they had decided to name her Isabella. That made me feel so special!

We took some pictures and talked for a while. And then it was time to say goodbye. It was awkward...didn't know what to say...I gave her a kiss on the head and said "see you in 18 years." And then they left.

Until next time...and another story! Good night...and God bless...