The down fall of me...

Shortly after I moved here to Arizona, my dad got me a job as a secretary for a construction company. This is where I met the person that lead me to my darkest place of my life. And gave me the greatest joys of my life all at the same time. Sometimes I really do regret the day I met him...there are times when I can't get him out of my mind...which is incredibly frustrating! I hate the days I can't get him out of my head, and the nights when he haunts my dreams...especially the dreams when we are together. Or when I remember the good times...gosh I hate that! I don't want to remember any of the good times that we had. But as more time goes by the bad seem to fade away and the good times become more and more clear. As you can tell I still have a lot of love left for him...I wonder if I will ever feel nothing for him. I wonder if there will come a time when the thought of him won't drive me crazy, or make me sad because we aren't together. I know that we will never get back together...but sometimes I cannot help but to look out the window and hope to see him standing there smiling up at me...waiting for me to come down and embrace me and promise me that he will never let me go. But, reality...the logical side of me knows that will never happen and it would not be a good thing if we got back together. He was and still is a liar a manipulator and cruel...he doesn't really care about anyone but himself and making himself look and feel good. It makes me mad at what I allowed to happen. I will not allow that to happen again. For about four years I was with the father of my two youngest children. In the beginning it was good...and slowly it got worse and worse...it almost felt like we were just addicted to each other...I have no idea what it was, maybe it was a magnetic force that we always came back together, and I fear if I let it happen it would happen again. And I will not do that again. The four years I was with him were hell, and I do mean literally hell. Well, I'd rather live in hell then go back to that time period in my life.

I get so angry when I think of him...and all that he has done to me and the kids. I am angry that he doesn't care about the kids at all...everything he has done is for show and that is all. He has never done anything out of the kindness of his heart...or because he wanted to. He has always done things because he has to do it, or because someone else has done it for him. It makes me mad...why does he do this to the kids? What did they ever do to him? I feel so bad for them, and how he acts like they are invisible.

It's funny how he was the greatest love of my life, and yet he is the worst person I have ever gotten involved with. It's funny how I don't think of others and yet he is the one I still think about. Things between me and him got ugly, so ugly that I had never experienced and I hope to never experience again. There are many of the dynamics of the relationship I will not go into...just because it would take too long to get through it all, and no one wants to hear about all of the sordid details.

I can remember vividly how awful he would make me feel about myself...he would call me names all of the time. He was always getting mad about something or if I looked at someone he thought I was cheating on him...it was so unbelievably tiring! It was like walking on egg shells trying not to break them! Impossible! There was no satisfying him.

The day I found out that he was with someone else was devastating to me. I had the feeling he was for some time while I was pregnant with my son. But he kept denying it over and over, reassuring me of how much he loved me...telling me that we were going to be together after the baby was born. And stupid me believed it. Even after a woman called me cussing me out I still believed him and his lies about who she was. I know, I know...I am gullible and stupid. I was so desperate to believe him and didn't want to accept that I had lost him. I remember the night that he made his decision for good, he chose her over me and the kids...I felt as if someone tore my heart out and stomped all over it. I cried and cried...oh-how I cried for that man! Looking back at that night, makes me feel so angry and stupid for letting myself get so upset with the situation. I wish I did not care about him, I wish that it hadn't hurt so much when everything came out in the open...I wish I could have turned my back on him faster and hold hate in my heart for him. But, I cannot...I still love him...and yes, I know I am incredibly stupid.

After everything went down between me and him, and the woman he was with and her daughter, I wanted him to sign his rights away to the kids. Her daughter had threatened to kill me if I called him one more time...I did not want my kids to have anything to do with him. It was a long and expensive process...I spent all of my inheritance on this...he fought me. He said it was against his religion to sign away his rights, and that he wanted to be a dad to them and would never give up on them. What a joke that was! I think the thing that hurt the most out of the whole process was when he said Jessie was not his, and wanted a paternity test. That made me feel so dirty and ghetto all at the same time! Going down to the hospital and taking that test with my baby was terrible. It saddened my heart and hardened it at the same time. When the results came in, I wanted to cram them down his throat and tell him he was stupid for even wanting that test in the first place. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs in his face I told you so!!!! But I didn't. I just smiled to myself and thought about how dumb he must have felt inside. And when the results came in I think reality set in on just how much money he was going to have to pay. It was going to be at least 2 years of back child support, I wanted him to reimburse me for the lawyer fees for the whole paternity test...and I was going to raise the support rate that he was paying for Christiana. We were going to go to court and fight it out, he was wanting visitations and all that I was not wanting that and fighting that in court. The day before we went to court the light bulb went off and I told my lawyer to tell his lawyer if I dropped all the money would he sign his rights away. The next morning I got a call that he said yes. I was shocked...but not completely surprised because it came down to money. It always does for him. If he was any kind of father he would have said I don't care how much money I have to give I am not going to give up my kids! But that did not happen. And I know that this is how it is supposed to be...I guess...

I still cannot believe that he signed his rights away to the kids! I am still in shock! And on top of the shock of him signing his rights away, he still does not call for the kids or send anything for them! How sad is that!!!!! 2 years after he signed his rights away I had the opportunity to talk to him and I asked him why he did it, and he said it was the woman he was with. She wants him to have nothing to do with me or my kids. She is the devil...I have so much hate in my heart for her, and I know that it is wrong to have those feelings. God teaches that we should love our enemies as we love our loved ones...but it is so hard. She claims to be a christian woman but still has the heart of ice. She makes no effort to make sure he sends the kids stuff in the mail, or anything like that. I know that she doesn't care about my kids, and she talks crap about them as well. But, I do know this...he still loves me and still thinks about me...but oh well nothing will ever become of his thoughts. I will never go down that road again. It was too painful, too much drama, too many tears shed, too many angry words said, too many terrible actions done. It is not something to revisit or entertain the thought in the least.

But there you go...in short that was my down fall. It was the worst and best days of my life. The best because I got my 2 beautiful children out of it, and the worst because my heart was shattered and will never be whole again. Until next time God bless....